++ Facade Once Again ++

Once again, I had to put on my poker face when I was about to break down and cry. I sat silently, as you poured your heart away. Do you know, even though I looked calm and composed, inside I struggled not to cry? No, I must not cry. For I need to look strong, and help carry your burden. You said, many times over, that I am your place to turn to. You don’t come to anyone else, because you believe I am the best listener. That’s why I have rarely objected, and tried to always open my ears and my heart to contain your overflowing emotions.

But over time, it starts killing me inside. By God, it is difficult to pretend that it affects me not. I too have my share of complications. Life has exhausted me, inside and out. But I cannot show that. You, and everyone else see me as a strong individual. After all, that is why you rest upon my shoulder, right? Seeing me happy and content, is one of the few things that keeps you alive, right?

Then you asked me to forgive and let go, all the negative feelings that may arise from someone’s breach of trust after I know well how everything has affected us both. You said, that I am the kind of person who is capable of forgiveness and compassion. Ah, how noble you see me! Sadly I am not a saint. This feeling inside is gruelling inside that it can kill me. But what can I do? You have asked me, and with a deep sigh I had to say ‘yes’ for your sake.

Now I have to carry on with this facade, pretending that I am okay. I will paint a smile and hold back these tears in your presence. Even if I do cry, I will have to do it silently, and in the darkness where you cannot see me. Damn, it hurts.

++ Mask ++

Some of the hardest things, I’ve found:

* Painting a bright smile on my face when life is filled with darkness,

* Letting no sound escape from my lips when tears overflow from my eyes,

* (Struggling to remain) Standing tall and strong when burdens weigh down my back.

That sounds like I am deceiving myself, that I am being untruthful. But really, many people think that I am strong, and capable of handling all the life’s hardship. Often times when I am overwhelmed with troubles and on the verge of breaking down, those whom I seek advice from will say, “It’s okay, Laksmi, you’ll get through it. You are one of the strongest people I have ever known.” Alright, I may sound up myself there, but I do encounter that advice way too many times. Well, to be honest, I do take pride in being strong, or rather, being perceived as a strong individual. It is my defence mechanism, I suppose. A way to tell others that I will not be broken down no matter what. I guess my life experience has shaped me that way.

That is why I keep telling myself that I need to be strong. I need to show I am positive. I cannot burden others with my feelings. To smile, is to inject happiness into someone else’s soul. But as I said in the beginning, over time it becomes a struggle. Maybe this “strong and positive woman” is a mask I need to take off. I need to be able to become ‘weak’. I need to be able to break down this wall of pride, and crumble. I imagine it will be nice indeed, to be able to be cry out everything in the presence of a friend in need. A friend who can put me to my place, who can show me that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be weak, it is okay to show my feelings and share the burden.

Someday, someday…