++ The Three Great Teachers ++

There are three great teachers who, I believe, have changed the way I approached life. Let’s rewind the tape of my life to where I was in Year 5. I was young and carefree, with no care about academic progression whatsoever. I can still recall the time when my mum found a stack of my exam papers, mostly with marks within the range of 20%-40%. She said a thing or two, which did give a slight electric shock. But the extra push, happened in one defining moment:

One fine morning, my maths teacher asked the class what would be the result of 3-5. Everyone looked confused, as they could not fathom how to deduct a greater number. My hand shot through the sky, and I confidently answered, “Negative two!” Everyone looked at me – they ought to have thought, “How the heck does a no-name kid know the answer?!” What I did not say, was that my mother asked me the exact same question the night before [which left me utterly confused too]. So to put it bluntly, everything was a fluke. An epic fluke.

The day went by, I became a center of attention for once in my life! But the horror came when it was lunch time. My maths teacher approached me, saying that he was so impressed with my maths ‘skills’, so he enrolled me in a maths competition. I almost crapped myself.

“You have a knack in maths,” He said. I was like, what the heck dude, the whole thing was just an epic fluke and I have no gift whatsoever! I did not say that out loud, of course. So there I was, standing petrified after being told that I would go for a maths competition. I started thinking, what if I bomb really badly in the competition? People would laugh at me! I would be disgraced! And many things were running through my mind. At the time, there was one thing that I had in me. Pride. I did not want to personally admit I could not do it. So I said to my maths teacher, I would do it, but I would need assistance. He smiled, and said, fantastic! I would tutor you maths outside class to prepare you for the competitions.

So the story goes, he fed me with so many maths questions. When I hit a brick wall, he would teach me how to treat maths as an entertaining game. He would show me some tricks and patterns when calculating numbers. In the end, I did come to a point that I actually thought maths was fun! I did go for the competitions, but only placed third. Anyway, from that moment on, I gained this drive to excel and wanted more. My grade steadily improved, and it was a pleasant surprise to know that I climbed from rank 24 to rank 3! I passed the end-of-primary school national exam (yes it exists!), and finished with a grade of 45.7 out of 50, and I could enroll to the high school I wanted. All thanks to that maths teacher who has introduced the joy of learning.

Fast forward to Year 12. That was one of the most stressful period in my life, as I was preparing for national exam. That was also my third year in Australia. I know three years is a long time, but for me, I was having an identity crisis. The culture shock was unbearable, and I was in denial. I think I felt quite different, and unable to fit in. I became introverted, and just used studying as my escape. Gaining academic achievement was the only thing I had in mind. To be honest, I did not quite understand what my ambitions were, and how I should use my skills to achieve these ambitions.

Until my teacher asked me a question,

“So, do you know what you want to become in the future?”

I answered, as a matter-of-factly, “Engineer”

He then added, “Engineer? Why?”

I thought for a second, “It runs in the family I guess.”

In which he curiously pursued, “So you actually WANT to become an engineer? Is that something you are passionate about?”

I did not really answer properly, and I gave a half-baked answer such “Well, maths is cool, and engineering is maths.”

Then he said, “I think you should do International Relations, or something to do with Communications?”

Whoa, that came totally out of nowhere. I mean, I thought I was a technical person who buried her head in maths book!

“You have a gift in language. I believe you can use that gift to connect to people, and make your life journey a meaningful one,” He advised.

I almost fell over. Dude, do you know who you’re talking to? I don’t have many friends, I am introverted. I spend my time calculating maths problems, and now you’re telling me to connect with people? Sure I like to have fiery debates in class when someone got on my nerve, but that does not mean I should being more immersed in language and communications!

He must have read what I was thinking and said, “Trust me. I know things you do not. That’s what I believe you should do.”

Anyway, I still stuck to Engineering, but based on his advice I also chose International Studies as another component of my degree.

The story unfolded, that whole Year 12 was an overwhelming one. But he was there to mentor and support me. I remember bursting out crying when I was about to breakdown, and he was there to tell me that he had faith in me. That I was strong enough to overcome everything.

So Year 12 concluded, and I came out practically sane. Now 7 years after, I realised the significance of the advice that he has made. He saw what was hiding inside, and helped me realise it. I do now have strong interest in languages, and communications. I don’t think I am introverted, and now I do get the joy out of connecting to people. If it was not for his advice and words of encouragement, I would probably not have considered doing social arts and would have remained introverted. You’d probably see me talking to lab instruments more than I would talk to people!

Then I graduated out of high school. I was a fresh first year university student then. There is one subject that drove me against the wall because I did not seem to get it. One day I was on the verge of breaking down because: it was already 5pm, and exam would be the next day and I was not understanding anything! Anyway, I tried to seek help from a lecturer, but he shot me down by saying, “Well, first I am not responsible in teaching you. Secondly I am busy so leave me alone.”

I was shocked, and I almost lost hope. It was already 5.30 and everything is falling down. Then in desperation, I saw the office of this lecturer still open. I was contemplating whether I should seek his help. I mean, it’s 5.30 and he must be busy! He’s a professor after all! I nervously knocked on his door, and he said, “Come in!”

Then I saw piles and piles of paper on his table. Damn, he IS busy. I thought.

“What can I help you?” He asked.
“Um, I was wondering if you could help me with this question because I don’t understand.” I nervously asked while showing him a past exam paper.

Seriously, I thought he would massacre me to pieces like the other lecturer. Really, he was busy and I was asking a freaking first-year question which would be like eating a piece of cake for him! I was struck by lightning when I said, “Sure.”

Then he spent about 15 minutes teaching me how to solve the question. I understood, and it was good.

When it was all finished and I was about to leave his office, I apologized for interrupting him as he looked busy.

He smiled and answered, “Yes I am busy. But students come first.”

His response has since been ingrained into my brain. Six years later, and now I am doing my thesis. From the beginning I had decided that he would become my supervisor. My friends advised me not to, because he is known to be an extremely busy lecturer who would not have time to see his students. I found that hard to believe, so I went on and asked him to supervise me. Which he agreed to.

Contrary to my friends’ advice, my lecturer was never too busy to see his students. When I told him I would start my thesis six weeks earlier, he was more than happy to set up weekly meetings to ensure I was on the right track.

So today, I finished work and headed straight to the appointment to discuss the progress of my thesis. After weeks and weeks of agonizing and tedious phone calls, I finally managed to set up an interview with security engineers who might be able to give me information related to my thesis. Thing is, the interview would be in three days. I would be pressed to come up with intelligent questions within that timeframe, knowing my schedule nowadays. So he suggested, do as many questions as possible by Sunday night. I will review them, and include some that I think will help you. I’ll have done it by Monday midday.

I was relieved. So we concluded the meeting, and scheduled another one in 11 days time. I made a comment on how busy he seemed (which he agreed), and remarked how I found it surprising that a professor in his caliber would spare time for me – I mentioned how some of my friends have never even seen their supervisors!

To which, he responded, “Well lucky for you, I am not one of those lecturers!”

I thanked him, for assisting me despite his busy schedule – he could have dumped me to focus on his projects! And he smiled,

“Well, students come first.”

I lightly chuckled. It was such a Déjà vu, from 6 years ago (it was roughly the same time too!).

I said, “It’s funny, you said the very same thing 6 years ago.” And I told him what I recounted from 6 years ago (he did not remember by the way).

He seemed amused that I would remember such a thing, and he said, “I must have meant it then. And I mean it.”

I don’t know how to explain – but it’s good that a teacher genuinely cares for his/her students. In a way, it becomes a motivation for me to prove that I am capable of producing high-quality works. Well, I may not be that good, but at least I will try so I will not disappoint him. Oh well, I guess I won’t settle just for a pass this time!

***

Teachers do have their contributions in shaping the students’ lives – and they are remembered. Well, at least I still remember all those tiny little evens that have changed me, or have given me a reason to do, or be something.

So, what has your most influential teacher done for your life?

++ Enlightened ++

Over the past few months, I have been feeling quite depressed. I guess it's the matter of the heart, and to escape the painful feeling, I worked and worked like there was no tomorrow. I guess it was a way of keeping me busy. But the impact was quite significant, I became too immersed in pursuing worldly affairs and in the end, I became less caring about improving my spiritual awareness. It then turned into a domino effect, as this made me think that I was not good enough, I was unworthy - so why bother?

Anyway, things changed when I decided to stop for a couple of days. Forget about work, forget about study! So, I chilled out at my university, and caught up with my old friends. There was a defining moment, when someone suggested that I looked into another belief system, and its scripture. Well maybe I was bored, or maybe there was a little push from the Supreme Being, that I actually thought, the heck why not!

So I read. I explored their arguments why their belief system is the truth. I examined how they implement their belief system, and what makes a believer.

And guess what?

The more I read about their depiction of God, the more I believe in the Oneness of God. The Indivisible.
The more I read their scripture, the more I believe in the Qur'an.
The more I read into their belief system, the more I believe in Islam.

You don't need physical miracles to believe. And I realise the merit of the Qur'an that very day. Miracles don't matter, because Truth prevails over falsehood. What I love, and become more appreciative by the day, is that it simply is not about what you believe, but how you implement your belief. It is not simply about worshipping God for what He has done for us, it is about being grateful to God by doing service to humanity. Yes, we humans are imperfect, but that is our nature. It's what we do to cover our imperfections that really matters.

So my spirit is way up now, and nothing can bring me down now. I am looking forward to what I can do in many years to come <3

++ Home ++

A house is not a home. Last spring, one would find me utter those words and understand what I had been through. Well, I did have a home back then, but it just was not the empty shell where I was dwelling at. It was something different; something I could neither touch nor behold, but I knew it was there. It was a place of comfort and tranquility. It gave me a reason to smile, to laugh, and strangely enough, to be ‘small’. That I no longer needed to appear strong; that it was okay to be weak, and to be what a human is.

Yes, I had a house and a home. But alas, that home I loved is no longer there; for life wanted me to have a home somewhere else. Frankly, everything has been a strange turn of events. The house, that was unbearable cold, has begun to exude warmth. It may not yet be a home, but I no longer feel hollow within.

I know, I know. I am not making any sense at all. You may wonder what has compelled me to write such a cryptic post. Perhaps it was due to my encounter with three individuals in the past week. Three different beings, three different professions, three different places, three different characters, but one thing in common. And through this one thing, I was able to connect with these people in the most amazing way.

Yes, that home of the past might have forever closed its door on me. But I did leave me with a key. A key to open many other homes for years to come. The homes that are people. I am grateful, though sometimes nostalgia lingers, and I wish I could rest in that home just one more time!

++ Justice ++

Justice.

Such a profound word and it often evokes strong feelings inside. But lately I have been wondering whether there is a universal understanding of what justice really is.

Some people say justice equates an eye for an eye. Blood for blood. Some implement punishment that is deemed to be proportionate to the degree of the crime committed. In the case of retaliation, imagine a man murdering another man. Under an eye for an eye philosophy, the criminal shall be sentenced to death in order to put justice into practice. The theory sounds simple and fair for some, but the execution may yield greater harms than benefits. The act of retaliation does not take into consideration the individuals that may be affected by the implementation of such punishment; it seems to regard an individual as a detached component of mankind, as if what happens to someone will not affect the others. What if the guilty has family to support? Will justice be served when the family of the guilty loses their sole breadwinner, and ultimately struggle to sustain their lives? What about the emotional scar that will be inflicted upon them? The wife will become a widow and the children fatherless. What shall be the compensation for the emotional as well as financial damage that the family of the executed have to experience? Yes of course we have to consider the victim’s family and what they have to endure, but surely the act of retaliation is not the perfect solution to this case? There should be a better means for the guilty to redeem his crime.

Some will argue that imprisonment is the way to go. You do the crime, you serve the time. I cannot say I disagree but I often wonder what the real function of imprisonment is. Based on my limited understanding, prisons seem to be isolating criminals from the society where they will be subjected to inhumane treatment. It almost feels like they are exiled, so they will not threaten our sense of security. So really, is imprisonment meant to cast the criminals away or is it meant to give them a chance to redeem themselves? Will harsh treatment ever manage to heal their morality, or raise their awareness of their social responsibility, or move them to repent for their mistakes?

Another from of punishment involves physical torture or body mutilation coupled with public humiliation. The supporters of such punishment argue that its severity will serve to deter any infringement of the laws; hence order and justice will be maintained. However, after its execution, what will happen to the guilty? Will they ever feel as a ‘complete’ human being after being subjected to such emotional and physical damage? Can we expect that they will be fully capable of redemption and becoming an active part of the community when they forever lose a part of their bodily functions?

Pray tell, what is justice, really? Everyone has their own definition of justice as well as their own set of laws and morality.

Drug traffickers may be sentenced to capital punishment in one state, while they will only serve a few years of imprisonment in another state.

Blasphemy may warrant a death penalty in conservative countries while it is a part of fundamental rights [of the so called freedom of speech] in secular countries.

Some people will cry, ‘Justice is served!’, when a serial killer is sentenced to death, while some will condemn such punishment. Then if murdering five or ten people is such a gross criminal act, what about the political leaders who declare wars and invade other countries, and then slay the innocents under the banner of self defense or foreign aids? Why then no one demands justice for the blood of the thousands, or even millions, of the innocents when the culprits act upon political stage?

So really, there only exists relative justice where laws are crafted to suit the needs and the values of the lawmakers. There is no such thing as universally absolute justice on earth. I tend to believe that something becomes fair, or lawful, when the governing body actually benefits from it. That is why social injustice is so prevalent in modern society and in a way, condoned by the government. Often times, injustice (won’t mention any example lest that anyone will be offended) becomes a big business where it generates high tax where the national revenue relies upon.

Okay, I am talking nonsense again. I wonder if there ever will be a system that can realise justice. By this I mean justice as a means to nourish and improve the community. Where the law offenders are healed by being given the chance to mend their ways and become better people, and not merely punished or cast away just because they deserve it.

Right, enough of my rambling. Laksmi's out.

++ Another Useless pondering ++

Before you read, just bear in mind that this note is just my useless pondering and most probably holds no significance whatsoever. Anyway, a week ago I watched the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (which I wrote about in my previous note). So during my travelling home from work, I was curiously watching people out in the streets from the little bus window. Then this quote from the movie resonated inside my head:

“But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control …”

It made me wonder how complex our life is. Every individual has multiple paths and decision to take, which intersects and affects others’ spectrum of life. A deed that may seem inconsequential may actually impact others significantly. Stopping for a quick caffeine fix may interconnect your path with someone whom you may get personally involved with, and that relationship will create another set of events and complications. And by not stopping at all, you may not get the opportunity to meet that someone, and your life will be therefore different and will affect others’ lives differently.

And to think that there are billions of human beings currently living on earth, each with their own paths that lead to different possibilities, and countless scenarios, is just mind blowing. I just feel that it would be fascinating to watch all the chain of life events unfold. This incredibly complex and grand network. Pity I may not know how my simple actions, be them positive or negative, alter others’ course of events. Oh well, I guess I’ll keep thinking I am more or less a passive and insignificant stretch of mortal time.

Laksmi’s out.

++ Existence ++

Yes, it’s that time again. I feel the urge to pointlessly ramble, and try to show how artsy-fancy and philosophical I can sound. I can guarantee you, that it will be the biggest epic fail ever.

Anyway, more or less, this note is partially written for my gorgeous Sister who seems to be infected by my tendency to pointlessly ramble on basically the most trivial things in life *points at her most current note*.

Her note (if you are on her friends’ list, you can view it) reminds me of the conversation that I had with this person whom I crossed path a few weeks ago. We both happened to be waiting for the same train, and heading to the same destination. Knowing the hippy that I am, I chatted him up, and that led us to have a conversation on various topics. Religion, politics, economy, ethical farming, health and nutrition, you name it! I gotta say, the dude is extremely intelligent and knowledgeable. It was obvious, given the depth of his responses to the topics that we covered that day. Anyway, I learnt that he was a sociopath. He claimed that he could not feel any sympathy towards others’ misfortune nor he felt the urge to help ease others’ sufferings. Well, I frankly could not relate to what he was experiencing, but hey I would not judge. I cannot judge someone based on what their neurology has programmed them to feel and act. As long as they do not harm nor invade others’ personal space, I won’t say that sociopaths are bad people. Just my humble opinion.

Anyway, our conversation led us to talk about profession, and what we wanted to achieve through our profession. He expressed sentiments against working for government, because he could not climb to the top as he would in the private industry. I disagreed. I argued that working for government provided us with work and life balance, and we would not be enslaved to gaining more and more money in the expense of our time. I guess people have already assumed that working for a government’s agency equates laziness and pure bludging (which sometimes I cannot deny, but I believe if someone is motivated and willing to work hard, then good things can come out). If I can recall correctly, the conversation goes like this

Hippy-dudette: I actually believe that working for the government is great! You can get work and life balance, something that you cannot get from private firms who usually overwork their employees.

Socio-dude: Well, I guess your perspective as a woman differs from male perspective. We men are born with this masculine instinct, that gives us the urge to climb to the top and ‘conquer’ other men. That’s why working in the private industry is ideal, because it pushes us to our limits, and we can earn high salary.

Hippy-dudette: Well I guess it boils down to our purpose in life then. Why would you want to spend most of your time working? Don’t you want to have spare time for yourself and others? Will your life be driven purely by money?

*note: that is kinda ironic because right now I am slaving away for work, barely having any day off >.

Socio-dude: It is not just about money! It’s about fame. Don’t you want to be on top, gain that social status and people acknowledge your accomplishment? So you know then, that your life is not wasted. That’s what I am striving for.

The preachy, and hippy me could not resist but answering like I was a character from a Disney movie:


Hippy-dudette: Yes, ‘fame’ can be good. Knowing that your efforts are recognized, that everything isn’t in vain. But I really think that ‘fame’ should be achieved through kindness, and not social status or wealth. When people know you through your position, that ‘fame’ lasts only when you live. But ‘fame’ through kindness lasts forever. When you pass away, people will not remember who the CEO of that big company is, but people will remember that person who give them an act of kindness. When you’ve been good all your life, people will genuinely love you and will miss you when you die. You will still live in their memory. I guess that’s the kind of ‘fame’ I would prefer. Maybe not fame, but rather a sense of existence. That what you do matters to others in a positive way.
...

And the conversation went on and on from that point on. I don’t think I will bore you any further.
Anyway, I hope y’all are aware that the above ‘transcript’ is not verbatim. It’s just the gist of the conversation. Nay, I don’t talk big words like that in real life. I take pride in sounding normal and not like I am reading a C-grade philosophical essay. Y’know I just want to sound oh-so-smart there. Okay that is out of the way.

Some of us have probably wondered what our purpose in life is. Are we merely a result of two people falling into the gravity of physical attraction? Are we just a stretch of mortal time, resulted by random probability (maybe Stephen Hawkings can say a word or two about quantum fluctuation).

I guess we will not find out, with certainty. The point being is that we –exist-. Some people believe that they only exist for themselves; they are born alone and will die alone. But I would like to think, that we also exist for others. After all, others have existed for us. The heroes before our time existed to fight for our independence. The engineers through the age have existed to create better means of living for humanity. The doctors have existed to cure our diseases. The construction workers have existed to build our houses, our buildings, our schools and other structures. Our parents have existed to make us –exist-, to teach us speech and to raise us with love.

So when often you find yourself alone (it’s a massive hint for *coughRubabcough*), rest assured that you’re not. Everything around us is the product of the existence of others. Others have cared enough to make our lives easier and more advanced.

And when you find yourself “useless”, and tired of the routine. Just remember that your existence itself has affected others, either positive and negative.

If you’re a university student who thinks that all you do is ‘only’ studying, having fun with friends and working a few hours to sustain your living. Well, you’re not “useless”. What you are currently doing is preparing for the future, you are still “mixing the ingredients” for success. When the time comes that you are recognised for your skills and expertise, you will be ready to help others and be useful. Networking and having friends itself is an act of kindness. Right now you exist to be a support for your friends, and exist to lighten their burdens and brighten their days.

When you’re a housewife who thinks that all you do is being stuck at home, raising your kids, and not doing any social works. Well, you’re not “useless”. You are shaping and educating your kids, who will play their roles in the future generation. Hopefully your efforts will result in a better generation. That’s the meaning of your existence.

You don’t need to be the richest person on earth to exist. You don’t need to be the most outspoken activist to bring a change. Through simple gestures and random acts of kindness, you will impart a tiny part of yourself in others. You will exist. Trust yourself, you may not see it because own self is the most critical, but rest assured that your existence matters for others. Do what you can, even if it’s just one smile. Who knows, that one smile may brighten someone’s day and help them through their depression. Even if it’s just sparing a couple of bucks from your coffee allowance, you may help the needy survive another day.

You exist, and you matter.

Okay, I am not making sense. Partly because it is almost midnight, and also 'cause, well, my 'lil peanut brain just can do any better at articulating. Laksmi's out.

++ About Growing Old ++

After God knows how long, I finally got myself to watch a movie. Yes, I was bored. It was freezing cold, and what would be better than getting rugged up in a thick blanket, sipping a mug of soy hot cocoa with a dash of honey and cinnamon, while watching an award-winning movie? Not that I do it often. Nonetheless, it was pure bliss

Anyway, the story goes, I watched a movie titled The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. For those who have not watched it, the movie is about someone who was born old, and grows younger by the years. Basically it narrates someone’s life experience as a boy trapped in an old man’s body, and reverses his age, in which he grows older internally but younger externally.

Quite a bittersweet story, actually. It makes me think of what will happen when I grow old. Questions started arising inside my head.

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when my children think that I am old fashioned?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when the kids around the block think I am just an imbecile old hag?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when I start not understanding what is going on with the world?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when I sit alone and no one visits me because they think I will nag and just too much of a burden?

What will happen if that time comes to pass that I have to depart this earthly life, will I be able to let go and say that I have done enough for humanity?

The thought is rather scary. I am not much too concerned about physical aging, after all there is botox and age defying make-up (haha). I just think, what will become of me when I realise I have changed emotionally? Or rather, when I think the world has changed. Scary indeed.

Anyway, that movie did give me a new perspective. After all, we may not get our parents or other older relatives. But I guess they may be experiencing that stage of change, when the world has changed, when people don’t understand you, and no one seems to care. I need to keep telling myself to be kinder to ‘the other generation’.

Peace out.

++ Marriage ++

Marriage.

For many people, the word seems to be able to conjure magic, where all the life problems will disappear once someone enters life of marriage.

“And they live happily ever after.”

The fairy-tale lovers are intoxicated with the idea of marriage, which is almost always associated with everlasting love. After all, everyone needs love to live a happy life. Just like Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, marriage will provide one with happiness. Right?

“Marriage is half of someone’s faith.”

The more religious ones believe in the idea that marriage is an act of worship, where they will be more righteous in the eyes of God. After all, that’s what the forefathers tell them, who heard it from their forefathers.

Right.

I am sure some of you are often being asked questions such as, “So, when are you getting hitched?”, “Why are you still single?”, or “Why don’t you hurry up and get married already?!”.

Seesh people, just like all things in the world, marriage has its positives and negatives. We are delusional if we think that marriage is THE key to happiness. Sure, marriage or relationship for that matter, enables someone to experience affection and intimacy, (hopefully) with their loved ones. Sure, marriage may give you that special friend whom you can turn to and eases your burden when you’re down. I am sure the list can go on (I won’t have a clue, I have never been married). However, it too has negatives. There are some things that need to be compromised when it comes to two people living together (three or four if polygamy is your thing -_-). There will be occasional (or usual) fights and arguments throughout the course of marriage. It takes efforts, respect and understanding to make a marriage work.

I am not against marriage at all. Heck, if anyone picks me up from the bargain shelf, I’ll probably start fussing about marriage itself! But I just don’t understand why people think that marriage guarantees happiness, or that singlehood is synonymous with misery and loneliness. Some people can actually be unhappy in a marriage if it’s not a health and loving one. And some people can be happy waving the singlehood flag if they are comfortable with themselves, and living their lives to the fullest.

I wonder, when people say they want to get married, do they understand why they want to? Is it because, well, everyone else is married and hance they need to be married? Has it become a social standard that everyone needs to adhere to?

I don’t know, some people are just investing way too much time to get that “special someone” to marry, in the expense of other things. Well, putting efforts is not bad, really. After all, if we invest a lot of time, effort and resources to undergo education, and secure a profession, why not devote a bit of time to seek our life partner? But yeah, I cannot comprehend when someone’s mind is occupied with the thought of being married. I am sure there are better things to worry about.

A dear friend of mine, once said it profoundly,

“When the time comes when you have to depart this world, and pass way, it will suck if you come into realisation that you spend your times thinking about hooking up, when you can instead, strive to become a better person.”

Indeed, it’s true. I personally think marriage is a way for an individual to find a partner in life. A tag-team, to help one discover the meanings of life. To be able to have someone who uplifts one’s spirituality, and makes one a better person.

And not just because, well, everyone needs to get married!

++ Dream ++

I wonder if anyone else has ever dreamed a dream where they experience something so emotional that they cry. Then, the next thing they know, they wake up with tears in their eyes, as if they've been crying, and with their hearts throbbing with pain.

That happened to me this morning. My dream led me to shed tears while asleep. That feeling when I opened my eyes is very strange. It was more than sadness; it was emptiness and sorrow..

That has been bugging me the whole day. The pain somehow carries on, and I cannot let it go. I didn't feel positive and frankly, I hate it.

Oh well, hopefully a good night sleep will help lighten this easiness. Tomorrow will be a good dday, sweet dreams...

++ Addiction ++

Addicted to coffee and bread, that’s what I am. You could see me munching on plain wholemeal bread and downing a double-shot latte for breakfast, and snacking on pumpkin-seed rolls and another cuppa throughout the day.



So I knew troubles were awaiting when I stumbled upon an article on blood type-based diet. The idea of such diet is that our genetic inheritance, in this case blood type, dictates what food will be beneficial, neutral, and harmful for our health. I was gobsmacked when I discovered that based on my blood type, I need to avoid meat, dairy, wheat, sugar and caffeine. I should also feed myself with more tofu and pineapple, relax by practicing yoga and tai chi, as well as sleep for 8 hours or more (not a chance!). Meat, dairy, and sugar, I can do without. After all, I can always have oat/soy milk instead of pasteurised homogenised cow milk, honey/rice syrup/agave nectar instead of evil refined sugar, and seafood instead of meat. But wheat, and coffee? I am definitely not a fan of wheat-free bread such as corn bread, pumpkin bread, rice bread or oat bread. I also am a staunch disbeliever to coffee alternatives such as dandy or carob. Simply no. I am not that much of a hippy, thank you very much.



That being said, I decided to give the diet a go. And it was pure disaster. Monday morning has never been as unbearable as it was. Waking up at 5am to get to work at 7am used to be a breeze for me, thanks to a cup of extra strong coffee. But not anymore. I struggled to remain awake in the morning, and when the day progressed, I had a major migraine attack. On top of that, my body craved for bread. A mug of chamomile tea sweetened with rice syrup and a bowl of porridge could not give me the much needed mental relief. The full-blowing air conditioner, which made me feel as if I was holidaying in Antarctica, did not help either.



The withdrawal symptoms worsened when the evening came. It was the worst migraine I had ever experienced in my life, I felt like my head was hammered repeatedly. It came to a point where my mum just handed me a cup of coffee, and say, “just drink it.” Knowing the stubborn me, I refused to take a sip and went on my feeling sorry for myself-for-not-being-able-to-drink-coffee. Anyway, I managed to sleep it off ‘til the next day. Tuesday was slightly better, the headache stayed but it was not as overwhelming as experienced in the previous day. I was sleepy, yes. I got emotionally when I saw others holding their cuppas, yes (okay, that was an exaggeration). But nothing I could not handle. I actually discovered a good coffee replacement – hot cocoa with honey. Divine. I think now the withdrawal symptoms have worn off and I managed to wake up early without feeling I needed to reach out to my coffee machine before even having my breakfast.



Okay I am rambling now, and my notes is on the brink of becoming pointless (maybe it is, and I am just in denial at the moment). The whole experience made me understand a little bit how bad withdrawal symptoms can be. I mean, it was only caffeine and I had it very bad. I cannot even imagine what torture that people who are addicted to drugs experience. It’s easy for us to call people junkies or druggies, and how they are parasites to the community. Sure, there are some negative people out there, but imagine someone who experiences a rough life and out of one or two stupid mistakes, they become addicted to drugs. Their whole life is turned upside down. The claws of drugs addiction cling to them, which inflict pain whenever they struggle to let go. Yes, ideally they should be ‘strong’ and ‘committed’ to rehabilition. But then again, when you experience unimaginable pain, a quick fix is much preferrable. Falling deeper and deeper into addiction. I heard that some people could not even withstand water, and they felt stabbing pains, and other type of tortures I cannot even imagine. Perhaps if I were on their shoes, doing one or two silly mistakes and being addicted that is, I would probably never have the strength in me to resist the pain, and just let myself be.



I’m not writing to justify addiction of people who engage themselves in taking drugs. I merely feel that I experience a fraction of pain and torture that they experience when they are in withdrawal symptoms. Now that I think about it, perhaps the greatest challenge of getting out of drugs is not letting go of the ecstatic feeling while on high, but rather fighting and enduring the overwhelming pain whilst in withdrawal. Sadly, a good number of people look down on those people, and will try hard to maintain distance with them. I can say that almost always, I’ll avoid them as well, which provides no solution as it makes them even feel more rejected and ‘enslaved’ by addiction. They too are people, and like the rest of us, many of them experience hardship and would like a helping hand. I personally don’t know how to go on about it, and all I can do is just talk the talk at this stage. But that is definitely one area I should consider more. Whatever happens in the future, only He knows.



Enough of my preaching. Yes, I am aware of the awkward transition of themes, from diet to coffee to drugs, so no need to slap that on my face. I am merely writing what is currently going on the ‘lil peanut brain of mine. I am off to get my fix of honey green tea. Peace out.

++ Late Night Convo ++

Before reading this note, put the song “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong please.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5TwT69i1lU


---


About a couple of weeks ago, I had a late night phone call with a good friend of mine. After indulging ourselves in some girly talks that you probably would classify as yawn-inducing, one of us made a remark of someone’s circumstance:

“Isn’t s/he fortunate to [insert something good]. Why can’t I get the same.”


Just to clear things up, there was no envy or jealousy in that conversation. One was just in awe on how blessed someone could be, and wondered if someday would experience the same. Then one responded.

“Yeah, very blessed. But then again, s/he has a life struggle to overcome given his/her circumstances, whereas we are fortunate enough not to have to experience the same thing.”

Then further commented,

“Life is just, and balanced. We may be blessed with something that others don’t have, while lack other things that another has.”


---

Anyway, I shall cut the conversation up to that point for privacy sake :D. I guess I just want to share a tid bit of our conversation that got me thinking. Indeed as a human being, we have the tendency to be ungrateful. We focus on what we don’t have rather than what we have. How many times do we find ourselves think something along the line, “Why don’t I have what they have?”, “Aren’t they lucky!”, “Life is miserable!”, etc. Such attitude will eventually shape our perception of life, and our general happiness really. If we focus on the negative, we will find ourselves complaining about our circumstances and become unhappy. On the other hand, if we think positively, then we’ll appreciate what we have, and in turn, our life will be more meaningful and peaceful.

Say, if you find your job to be frustrating and driving you to the wall, instead of thinking, “My job sucks! I hate my life!”, why don’t you try to think, “Hey at least right now, I have a job and a means to sustain myself whereas there are many people struggling to find a job.” If you are financially sufficient and your friends and relatives come to borrow money, instead of thinking, “Jeez, don’t treat me like a cash cow.”, why not try to think, “I am in the position to give than receive, which is a good thing.” If you currently cannot find that special someone in your life, instead of thinking, “I am so lonely, nobody wants me.”, try to think, “That day will come, someday. At least now I have more time for myself, my family and my friends. I get more freedom to pursue my ambitions/dreams.”

So yeah. Focus on the good things of what you have, rather than the negative things that come from not having that which you don’t have. That being said, you may not have what others have. But others may envy what it is that you have. Life is balanced. We are blessed with something, and challenged with a lack of something.

Anyway, hopefully when you put that way of thinking, life will be more beautiful or at least, bearable =). Peace out.

++ Just a 'Lil Thought'

Lately I have been recalling a story that was narrated to me years and years ago. Putting the details aside (which I have mostly forgotten), the story tells of a monkey that sees a fish swim in the ocean, and thinks that it is drowning to death. Without much ado, the monkey goes to ‘rescue’ the fish by taking it out of the water. But alas, seconds later the monkey sees that its action results in the fish being suffocated, and its eventual death. The question then arises, how can this be?


To many of us, the answer is rather obvious. The monkey does not take into account the environment in which the fish has been living, and he acts purely on his own experience. Its failure to recognise that the fish undergoes different experience from his, leads to negative consequence.

At a first glance, the story may sound childish that one may chuckle, and exclaim, “Duh!”. Personally, I feel that the moral of the story to be very profound, and it is often overlooked by many of us. In our day-to-day interaction, I find that many people (excuse my generalisation) project their own experience onto the others, and do not consider that every individual experiences a unique and distinct chain of life events -no one shares an identical life account. This leads them to make a judgment of someone by using their personal life accounts and environment as the criteria without trying to fully understand what experience that person has gone through. On the other hand, they may also do or say something to someone, in a way that is personally good and pleasing to them. However, what is good for us, is not necessarily good for others. As conveyed in the monkey and the fish story, what is good for the monkey is not good for the fish.

How many of us have judged the others without fully knowing the story? Consider two people with different personalities. One spends money freely and cares little about pursuing high-end career, while the other one is very careful with money and is committed to establish oneself through financial security. It is easy to dismiss the former by saying, “S/he is financially careless and has no ambition for the future”, and the latter by saying, “S/he is such a tigh-ass and materialistic, only cares for money.” But if we dwelve into things that are not visible to us, and get to know them better, we may discover that the first person has in fact lived through his/her childhood where the abundance of money has created pain and misery, and s/he develops apathy towards wealth and career. Imagine parents who are finacially and professionally successful, but are never at home to cater the emotional needs of their child. On the other hand, the second person may be born in a financially constrained family, and such experience has made live hard to endure. Imagine a person whose family is poor and the parents are continually arguing for money, and s/he has to work hard to contribute to the survival of the family. One subject matter : money, and two different attitudes that are shaped by two distinct accounts of life. If we put our experiences aside, and get to know a person and his/her history, we will perhaps think to ourselves, “If I had gone through what they did, maybe I would act the same way. Who am I to judge?”. Maybe we will be less judgmental and help them better.

One of the many issues that often get to me, is the issue of modesty. I was born in the East, and spent half of my life in the West. I would like to think that I have a strong feel of what is considered modest in the East (or rather the country that I was born in), and in the West. The subject matter that often finds itself in a conversation is the veil for women. Now I am not here to make arguments whether the veil is mandatory for women or not, nor do I want to engage myself in religious talk (not in this note anyway). I have heard some negative remarks that the veil oppresses the women, and it symbolises women as men’s mere possession. On the other end of the spectrum, I have heard how women who don’t cover up from head to toe are the victims of lust and desires where they are only seen as sexual objects, and immodest.

Really, when it comes to the veil, I can do with or without, and it depends on the environment where I live in (don’t shoot me with any religious chant, please). Anyway, I see that the above remarks regarding the veil are made without truly understanding the different environment where the others lifve. The anti-veil individuals dismiss the merit of the veil because they don’t understand that a veil can serve to protect women from being harassed in different areas of the worlds. They don’t understand that some women can actually feel peaceful and liberating by observing the veil, and they are not ‘oppressed’ in any way possible. On the other hand, those who live in a conservative environment and are accustomed to the veil as the standard of modesty for women, fail to acknowledge that women can still be modest without the veil in other countries. They may not understand that men can still look at women who have their uncovered without any sexual intent.

This process of projecting own experience and judging others without proper understanding, will not do us any favour. We will be less tolerant, say things that hurt each others, and fail unity. It will be indeed good, if sometimes we take the time to properly know each other (over a cup of yummy hot chai latte, or coffee if you need the caffeine kick), instead of analysing someone based on what appears on the surface.

When we see someone being so ‘stingy’, maybe that person has financial difficulty.

When we see someone being not so lovey-dovey with the family, maybe that person has had harsh family relationship.

When we see someone being so ‘closed-up’ and introverted, maybe that person has been lonely or experienced betrayal of trust.

When we see someone being so obsessed with self-image or weight, maybe that person has experienced bullying or heartbreak that is due to an image issue.

When today when we see someone being impolite, maybe that person is just having a bad day, maybe that person is actually a nice person in general.

Of course that is not an excuse to behave negatively, I am just saying that we will never know unless we exercise the benefit of the doubt, and try to understand them better. Who knows, we may actually help them, and become a better person ourselves.

I know I am already rambling as it is, but coming back to the story of the monkey and the fish, I’d like to point out that what makes us happy does not neccessarily make others happy because we have different experiences and different definition of happiness. Some people may obtain happiness from being able to afford luxury and fine things, while others may be just content with living in modesty and use their wealth for charity purposes. Some people enjoy spending their leisure time by reading and studying, while others find their enjoyment by partying, dancing etc. Of course we can say that those who are different from others are ‘missing out’, and try to ‘make them happy’.

A rich person may think s/he is doing a favour by throwing a feast of indulgence and showering expensive gifts for this person who has been living modestly. Will that make the latter happy? Maybe, maybe not. The rich person sees that this is how s/he obtains happiness and joy, but the latter may actually feel miserable ‘cause s/he thinks that indulgence is just a waste of money.

The partying person may think that the homey-person isn’t having fun at all, and drag the homey to parties and clubs. Will that make the homey person happy? Most probably not. S/he may not be able to identify with the world of parties and clubs, and feel alienated.

Parents may think that academic achievement will make their children happy, and force them to enrol into academic subjects that they have no interest in. What if the children are more passionate about the world of theatre, or music, or visual art? They of course will feel miserable for being unable to do what they are interested in.


When we utter things like, “I am only doing it for your own good and happiness”, we need to ponder if the statement actually means, “I am doing it for you based on what will personally make me happy.”, and then consider what their needs and/or wants are, instead of what our needs and/or wants are.

Okay, enough soapboxing for me. Clearly I have too much time on my hand to ramble on such thing. Just a ‘lil thing that has been running through my ‘lil peanut brain. Laksmi’s out.

++ A reason to happen ++

Everything happens for a reason.



I hear the saying often, so often that it has become a cliché. I often feel a bit uneasy, when people feed me that phrase whenever I face certain hardship in my life. It seems to me that they have no constructive input, and just throw the words to make them sound like they’re helping. Of course I am being harsh and unreasonable, but in a time of distress, I don’t think I’ll fancy hearing that this stressful situation is written for me. I don’t think most actually want to be advised such a thing.



Anyway, I guess I am being very impatient. A quick fix, to my furry little problems, which will often just be a band-aid solution. It only covers the wound, and does nothing to heal it. The story goes; I have recently faced a few challenges in which one of them drives me totally insane. Some say, be patient, for everything happens for a reason. Ideally that works, but when the problems hit you right on your head, then all the ideals are gone down the drain, and negativity starts to envelop you. That’s what’s been happening.



I am not religious in a sense that I don’t follow any religious authorities; I follow my own interpretation and thinking when it comes down to spirituality or divine scripture. Anyway, I have always related to the story of Jonah, as narrated in the Qur’an. A messenger, who was aware of God and his laws, but he couldn’t bear what he went through and he ran away. He was swallowed a “fish”, repented and swam to the shore. I have always felt like that. That I am now inside the belly of the fish, just like Jonah. Problems are overpowering me, and devouring me from within. I often wonder what went through Jonah’s head when he was inside the fish’s belly (which I believe is a metaphor for being consumed by his problems, his internal darkness). Did he ask God why certain things happened? Did he acknowledge that everything happened for a reason?



Certainly the current me is not Jonah. I am still inside the belly, and I am still regaining the strength to break free, and swim to the shore. But I have given a serious thought regarding all the chain of events that I have experienced. It was tough, but I acknowledged that they did happen for a reason. They were truly painful, but I think I have now understood the wisdom behind everything. God has laid out a scenario, as He knows well how I and the people around me will react. When He decreed, “Be!” to that one event, He knew what paths His people would take. What I would take, what others would take. Truly, the whole thing has enlightened me. As painful as it is, the experience is there to “wake me up”, and show me what I have to start doing. My purpose in life. The burning passion in me, that almost died without me realising it. It is sparking again, and I have to make sure it will keep burning.



Now I just need to break free, and swim to the shore. Jonah, I wish to see you there.

++ A Conversation About His Existence ++

From time to time, a few of my friends who don’t believe in the existence of God will come and approach me, and ask this question,


“If God is the most powerful and able to do all things, then why does He let all the sufferings to happen here on earth?”


Since most of them already have pre-conceived views that God does not exist and just ask for the sake of proving me wrong, I usually don’t give in-depth answers lest that I’ll spend my time endlessly debating. I mostly evade the question. Well, partly because I have not given much thought about it as I am pretty contented with my belief that [non-personified God] indeed exists. Maybe it is also because my life is full of blessings, that I do not personally experience injustice or great sufferings throughout the course of my life.


Anyway, in the past few months, a very close friend of mine who holds the same religious/spiritual belief as I do, asked the same question. Apparently, she struggled with the equation that if everything is from God, then all the bad things and sufferings are from God. Why? I remained mostly speechless, while others provided some input.


As much as I recall from the discussion, many suggested that everything that we human beings experienced is simply a test. A test to determine whether one is worthy of heaven, or not. For some, this will suggest that all the negative things that happen to us are trials, to see if we can still persevere and remain believers.


I accepted the view generally, though it felt like something was whispering in the back of my head. “Really?” I don’t necessarily disagree with the view; Well, I partially agree that an aspect of our life is a test, however I believe there is much more to it than that.


Before I continue with my endless rambling, I’d like to say that I am not religious by many people’s standards. Just a girl who tries to make living peacefully, under no man’s authority. Whatever I will put forward is simply a thought that recently popped out in my head, as a result of personal contemplation and conversation with a friend of mine. So please do not jump on me, and ask me to provide verses from any religious scripture nor any rulings from any religious authorities ‘cause I won’t give you any. It’s all just Laksmi’s thought. No more, no less.


Back to the original topic. If God is able to do all things, why does He allow sufferings to take place? A close friend of mine, sent me an e-mail about his current life challenge. I don’t want to go into details, but in a nutshell, he said how a person who was very dear to him was angry with God ‘cause He let bad things happen. My friend, a righteous believer as he is, believed everything happened for a reason, but of course you wouldn’t tell that to someone who was emotionally shaken, would you?


That e-mail made me recall the conversation I had few months back, with an atheist friend of mine. It was interesting because I had two different and yet similar cases where:

- A believer wondered why God allowed bad things to happen, and

- A disbeliever who questioned the existence of God simply because there are just way too many bad things for a powerful and loving God to exist.


That day, we ended in a long-winded conversation where I was being oh-so philosophical and soapboaxing. So the rambling began. Beware.


Some hold the views that everything is from God. One can take a negative incident as a trial from God, to see if we can stay strong and persevere. The idea has its merits but then I hypothetically asked, why do we point fingers externally when such and such happen?


Slavery. Poverty. Diseases. Wars. Does God really ‘allow’ that to happen, to see if we’re patient enough?


Why don’t we step back, and think that everything that happens to us is a result of our own actions. Also, why don’t we consider that what we do, whether small or big, affects others? A simple example I can use to illustrate is a girl is talking on the phone to a friend of hers. She made an offensive remark where her friend got offended and the whole conversation ruined his mood. So in a negative state, he went out and released his negativity (resulted by the offensive remark made by the girl) by punching a stranger on the face. This stranger suffers bruises and has to be treated in the hospital.

In regards to the stranger’s circumstance, one may question, “Why does God let this guy to be hurt when he has done nothing wrong?”. That seems to be a very convenient way of thinking. Let’s blame everything on God! But really, what caused this chain of event is the girl making an offensive remark, and her friend took it negatively.

Anyway, I personally do not believe that God ‘allows’ all this suffering and bad things to take place. What he Has done is creating laws of nature and it is essentially our own doings that make things as they are now. What I mean by laws of nature, is that God has decreed that if X happens, then Y will follow. Say, one of the laws of nature is that fire is hot and has the ability to burn. Now, if we stick our hands into fire, inevitably we will burn ourselves. That is the law of nature. God does not decree that we will suffer the burn no matter what. It is when we decide to touch fire that we burn, given the laws of nature that have existed for eternity. God only comes up with the equation 2+3=5, and we ourselves put the numbers together in order to make 5 happen. He creates for us several paths to take, and what happens to us, is a result of our own actions.


Let’s delve into things a little but deeper. When the human species first came to existence or perfected (whatever you believe, theory of evolution or creation), I assume that everything in earth was still good. The earth was mostly green, the seas and the rivers were gushing blue, the sky was clear with no pollution and the air was fresh. Then we human beings started (and still are) doing ridiculous things, which ultimately result in many types of sufferings.

Some of us continue using technology irresponsibly, which causes the ozone layer to be irreversibly damaged. This in turn exposes us to UV radiation and some suffer skin cancer.

Some of us throw chemical waste and rubbish to the natural environment and water, and this leads to many suffering skin and food poisoning.

Some women eat unhealthily, smoke, drink alcohol and are reckless in their lifestyles during pregnancy, and their babies suffer deformation or abnormality.

Some people are greedy with money and do not care about the others’ well being, and they employ workers at an extremely low wage, which results in uneven distribution of wealth and poverty.

Some leaders are so obsessed with power and a sense of existence that they try to invade and own other people’s lands. This leads to wars, bloodshed, people suffering emotionally, physically and financially.

By looking at these examples, I will say that it is not God, it is the PEOPLE who have allowed all the negative things to take place. What we do, every single thing, every single second, is affecting others. This note will affect some people, whether that effect is significant or not. However, people do not like to think like that. Instead of looking into themselves and asking what they have done wrong, the like to blame something external. In this case, God is a convenient scapegoat. Therefore, rather than admitting that have committed wrong-doings and introspecting, they ask God why things happen. In the case of people who do not believe in the existence of God, they use the same line of reasoning to deny.

---

So yeah, I guess that is the end of my useless rambling. The purpose of this note is not to prove the existence of God because it is up to an individual to feel God, be it internally or externally. I am not trying to sound all religious and soapboax-y, but sharing a thought that goes inside the little brain of mine.

I also thought it would be nice if we all could look into ourselves when certain things happen, and not blame external things. Our existence does give impact to others, whether we realize it or not. So when things get tough, try to overcome it, by improving what is within. Because our existence does matter, and we can make changes to ourselves and the people as well as the environment around us.

++ Lamah Azavta? ++

Eli, Eli, lamah azavtani?

Sepanjang sejarahku mempelajari bahasa Ibrani (lebay pol), satu kalimat itu yang benar-benar melekat di pikiranku. Cuplikan dari Tanach, atau Perjanjian Lama dalam bahasa Indonesia, yang memiliki arti, "Tuhanku, Tuhanku, kenapa Engkau meninggalkanku?".

Pokok dari tulisan ini tidak dimaksudkan untuk memiliki unsur agama sama sekali. Aku hanya berpikir, bahwa seringkali, aku menyalahkan orang lain ketika aku merasa sendirian. Lamah azavta? Adalah kata yang sering aku lontarkan dalam hati. Kenapa kamu pergi [meninggalkanku]?

Hmmm, padahal sih aku tidak pernah ditinggalkan. Semua hanya permainan pikiran. Pikiran yang hanya bisa melumpuhkan. Intinya sih, aku perlu berpikiran yang lebih positif. Walaupun di detik ini seseorang sedang tidak ada, tidak memberi kabar, bukan berarti dia telah pergi selamanya. Bukanlah perpisahan, jika kita belum terhapus dari hati seseorang.

Begitulah. Tidak ada yang pernah meninggalkanku. Yang terjadi hanyalah jarak yang dibentangkan oleh waktu. Dan akan tiba saatnya, jarak itu menghilang. Dan akan kembali indah semua pada waktunya.

++ ... ++

Tidak perlu mencoba melampaui waktu. Itu yang akhir-akhir ini aku ucapkan dalam hati. Ketika perasaan ini tiba tanpa dinyana-nyana. Yang terkadang membuat diri tersenyum sendiri, atau menimbulkan resah di hati. Aneh. Apakah yang telah memantikkan kembali, api yang dahulu pernah padam?

Ah biarlah. Cukuplah aku berjalan bersama sang waktu. Cukuplah sesekali aku menyapanya dengan, "Apa kabarmu?". Dan aku tidak akan mengharapkan apa-apa, kecuali dirinya menjawab, "Aku baik-baik saja." Saat ini, itu sudah cukup untuk membuatku bahagia. Dan untuk sekarang dan masa mendatang, aku akan berusaha menjadi, yang cukup untuk membuat dirinya bahagia.

++ Langkahku ++

Dahulu, pernah aku ucapkan sebuah doa. Aku memohon untuk mendapatkan sesuatu; bukan sekedar sebutir kembang gula atau sehelai kain sutra, namun satu yang sangat aku inginkan dan aku butuhkan. Bersaksilah seorang terdekat akan doaku, dan dengan sedenting nada peringatan, dia berkata,

“… tapi berhati-hatilah dengan segala yang kamu minta kepadaNya, karena untuk setiap doa yang dikabulkan, ada konsekuensi serta cobaan yang mengiringinya, dan sekiranya lah, kamu siap untuk menghadapinya.”

Aku yang saat itu sebenarnya tidaklah muda, namun belum dewasa, menganggap ucapannya semilir angin lalu karena aku meyakini, walau sebenarnya tidak memahami, doa yang aku panjatkan. Tuhan Maha Penyayang dan dikabulkanNyalah permohonanku. Saat itu serasa mengapung di pantai kebahagiaan dan berbasuhkan hangatnya cahaya matahari. Ah, tidak kusadari, gelombang ombak besar akan menghantamku.

Benar, ucapan sang sahabat yang terdengar tersamar oleh keangkuhanku, perlahan-lahan menjadi kenyataan. Hal-hal yang dahulu kasat mata dan serasa tidak penting, menjadi begitu berharga dan tidak bisa aku acuhkan. Ingin aku menjadi seseorang yang mampu menata hidupku, dengan dewasa menjalani konsekuensi yang berbuah dari keputusanku. Aku ingin bisa tulus tersenyum kepada mereka, dan mereka tersenyum kepadaku, diriku sebagaimana aku apa adanya.

Untuk itulah aku perlu melangkahkan kakiku, walau aku harus tertatih-tatih, tertahan oleh sebongkah keraguan dan ketakutan akan menjadi seseorang yang berbeda dengan yang mereka kehendaki. Biarlah, mungkin itu akan menjadi salah satu konsekuensi yang terlahir oleh keputusanku, aku hanya bisa berdoa, dan tidak sekedar berdoa, bahwa semua yang akan terjadi adalah untuk yang terbaik.

Satu yang kusadari, walau waktu telah mengambil sebagian usia dari hidupku dan mengukir satu lagi kerut di wajahku, ada satu hal yang tidak akan pernah berubah. Aku tetaplah manusia yang angkuh, akulah karang yang tetap keras berdiri. Tidak ada dalam dirinya pilihan untuk melunak, hanyalah keras atau hancur tanpa bekas. Itulah aku. Dan kali ini, keangkuhanku membuatku mengambil jalan yang tidak biasa. Saat di depanku kutemui persimpangan: satu menuju hutan belantara berduri dan satu padang hijau ilalang, kupilih jalan pertama, walau jantung berdetak kencang dan keringat mengucur deras. Ya, kupilih jalan itu, karena suara hati terdalam mengatakan banyak hal yang tersembunyi di dalam hutan yang jarang terjamah itu. Sesuatu yang terkubur, yang harus aku gali dengan tangan telanjangku sendiri…

Aku tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi. Mungkin aku akan tergores duri-duri tajam, tenggelam dalam kubungan lumpur atau menghilang di tengah kepulan kabut dan selamanya kehilangan jalanku di dalam hutan tersebut. Hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Aku hanya bisa berharap, aku akan melewati satu perjalananku dan kutemui cahaya di ujung jalan yang telah aku pilih. Biarlah aku berhiaskan luka dan bermantelkan lumpur, dan mungkin akan dicemooh aku oleh mereka atas ketidakindahanku, asalkan aku genggam hal yang berharga bagiku, yang membuatku aku, dan membuat hidupku kini dan nanti tidak sia-sia.

Mengambil cuplikan puisi Robert Frost yang aku kagumi:

“…two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

++ ... ++

++ Putus ++

Selama masa berjalan bersama,
‘Kutahu irama kita terdengar berbeda,
Namun aku mencoba mengingkari semua,
Yakinkan diri bahwa engkau dan aku adalah sama,
Walau hati kecilku samar berkata… hari ini akan tiba.

Kini di depan persimpangan kita berdiri,
Kugenggam tanganmu, mengira jalan yang sama ‘kan kita tapaki
Tapi perlahan, tanganku engkau lepaskan,
Berkata t’lah engkau tetapkan hati ‘tuk ‘tak mengikuti,
Takdirmu ‘kan engkau ciptakan sendiri.

Dan engkau pun langkahkan kaki ke jalan itu,
Hasrat hatiku ‘tuk meraih tanganmu, menghentikanmu,
Karena ‘kulihat jalanmu berawan kelabu,
Tapi ‘ku ‘tak kuasa, kala kulihat senyum di bibirmu,
Seolah katakan semua adalah yang terbaik, untukmu…

Ah, satu tali terputus sudah,
Dan aku ‘tak berdaya untuk merubah,
Dunia kita yang menjadi dua, terbelah…
Terjadi begitu saja, kala semua terasa begitu indah,
Dan ‘ku kira kita ‘tak ‘kan pernah berpisah.

Kini engkau pun beranjak pergi,
Namun percayalah, aku ‘kan tetap di sini,
Penuh harap, aku ‘kan s’lalu menanti,
Saatnya engkau datang kemari,
Dan menyambung tali yang t’lah engkau putuskan kembali.

Dan apa pun jalanmu, keputusanmu,
Aku ingin engkau tahu, ‘tak ‘kan berubah rasaku padamu,
Karena engkau adalah bagian dari hidupku,
Dan kuyakin masih tersisa tali pengikat kita, walau hanya satu,
Yang ‘tak ‘kan pernah terputuskan oleh waktu.

Sydney (UTS Market Building 5 C1.27) 19 Agustus 2009 11:23

PS: Tidaaak, aku tidak putus dengan siapa-siapa kok hahaha

++ Patah Hati ++

Ya, aku patah hati. Aku tidak bisa memiliki apa yang hatiku inginkan. Aku hanya bisa memandanginya, tanpa bisa memilikinya. Dengan hati yang hancur berkeping-keping, aku mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada... sebuah gaun putih cantik yang tidak bisa aku beli.

Mungkin kalian berpikir aku terlalu berlebihan, tetapi aku jamin, sebagian besar wanita pasti akan tergiur jika melihat sebuah gaun yang sangat indah dengan harga yang cukup terjangkau. Nah, sore ini gairahku seakan meletup-letup bagaikan gunung Merapi yang sedang dijaga oleh Mbah Marijan (semoga saja aku tidak terlalu berlebihan dengan penggunaan majas simile-ku hahaha) ketika aku melihat gaun putih cantik yang dipajang di sebuah butik. Saat itulah aku percaya akan cinta pada pandangan pertama, karena aku tidak bisa melepaskan pandanganku terhadap gaun itu. Segalanya terlihat sempurna, kecuali satu: gaun itu adalah gaun pernikahan huhuhuhuhu.

Tapi sumpah, rancangannya indah sekali. Gaun itu berbentuk halter neck yang kemudian menyilang di bagian punggung, talinya berhiaskan mutiara-mutiara kecil berkilauan. Di bagian dada terlihat bordiran bunga-bunga indah, bagian bawahnya rok mekar yang menjuntai sampai ke bawah dan dihiasi oleh pita-pita kecil yang terbuat dari sutra. Ah, pokoknya aku tidak bisa mengungkapkan betapa indahnya gaun pernikahan itu huhuhu. Gaun itu, jika diubah ke mata uang Rupiah, seharga sekitar Rp. 750. 000 (setidaknya lebih murah daripada kebaya yang paling sedikit berharga Rp. 2 Juta). Yang membuatku lebih sedih lagi, gaun itu ukuranku T.T. Kalau saja tidak ada Mamaku di situ, mungkin aku akan langsung membeli gaun itu walaupun tidak jelas kapan aku akan mengenakan gaun tersebut (buat koleksi, mungkin?). Mamaku mengatakan bahwa membeli baju pernikahan sebelum waktunya bisa membawa kesialan/menjadikan seorang wanita perawan tua (memang ada takhayul seperti itu, yah?). Jadinya aku hanya bisa menghabiskan waktuku memandangi dan membelai-belai gaun yang tidak bisa menjadi milikku. Ah, benar-benar kasih tak sampai hiks hiks hiks....

Sampai detik ini aku masih terbayang-bayang akan gaun tersebut. Semestinya akau tadi menyempatkan diri mencoba gaun itu, setidaknya untuk memuaskan hati hiks hiks... Mungkin besok aku akan ke butik itu lagi, semoga belum ada yang membeli gaun tersebut *berdoa*

Entah apa tujuan dari blog ini. Mungkin aku hanya ingin menumpahkan rasa frustrasiku karena tidak bisa memiliki gaun putih tersebut T.T

++ Sebuah Cerita di Hari yang Berhujan ++

Pagi ini aku ada janjian dengan seorang teman dari zaman aku masih SMA. Sudah dua tahun kami tidak saling berjumpa, walaupun masih berhubungan melalui jaringan maya, alias Facebook. Beberapa hari yang lalu, selagi chatting, kami akhirnya membuat janji untuk bertemu pagi ini. Agar tidak ada kesalahpahaman, aku membuat semuanya rinci: bertemu hari Rabu jam 9 pagi, di depan stasiun kereta api yang menjadi tempat pemberhentian terakhir bis jurusan L90 dan aku akan mengenakan jaket panjang berwarna abu-abu. Aku juga tidak lupa memberikan nomor telepon genggamku yang terbaru supaya dia bisa menghubungiku jika ada perubahan rencana.

Jadi hari ini, aku tiba di tempat yang telah kami janjikan jam 9.02 - menurut jam telepon genggamku yang waktunya lebih cepat 5 menit. Aku melihat sekelilingku dan sang teman belum datang. Aku menghela napas, karena setidaknya aku tidak terlambat. Sekitar 10 menit berlalu ketika bis jurusan L90 berhenti di depanku dan dengan penuh harapan, aku melihat satu-satu penumpang yang turun dari bis tersebut. Tidak ada temanku. Lambat laun aku menjadi gelisah karena dengan berlalu-lalangnya bis-bis di depanku, temanku tidak kunjung tiba. Untuk menambah gundah dan gelisahnya hati, gerimis hujan mengguyur dan semakin menderas. Ketika jam menunjukkan angka 10.15 dan 4 bis jurusan L90 berhenti di depanku, aku menyerah. Aku menganggap temanku tidak akan datang dan dengan sedihnya, aku meninggalkan stasiun kereta api. Lagi-lagi aku ditelantarkan oleh temanku hiks hiks hiks...

Berhubung diri merasa jengkel, aku memutuskan untuk tidak langsung pulang ke rumah dan main-main ke kampus UTS yang dapat ditempuh dalam waktu 5 menit dengan jalan kaki. Di laboratorium komputer UTS, aku membuka Facebook dan sebuah pesan menantiku - tertanda dari temanku dan dikirimkan kemarin malam jam 10.06. Pesan itu mengatakan bahwa dia tidak bisa datang pagi ini dan ingin mengganti jadwal pertemuan ke lain waktu. Aku hanya bisa tertegun. Bukankah jauh lebih baik jika temanku menghubungi melalui telepon daripada sebuah pesan di Facebook? Memang setiap hari aku mengunjungi Facebook, tetapi kebetulan saja kemarin malam aku sakit dan tidur lebih awal sehingga tidak sempat mengunjungi Facebook. Entah siapa yang salah, temanku yang tidak menghubungiku langsung atau aku yang 'lalai' dalam tidak memperiksa rekening Facebook-ku setiap saat setiap hari =S. Kejadian ini sebenarnya bukan yang pertama, tetapi sudah ketiga kali aku mengalami hal yang sama; teman-temanku membatalkan pertemuan kami melalui Facebook/Hotmail di detik-detik terakhir. Aku sangat menyesalkan bahwa jaringan sosial maya lambat laun menggantikan interaksi langsung antar sesama. Sedihnya...

Di lain sisi, hari ini tidak terlalu menyedihkan bagiku. Aku mengunjungi kampus UTS yang ternyata sedang mengadakan acara Orientation Day ^__^. Lantai 3 dan 4 dipenuhi oleh kios-kios yang mempromosikan klub-klub atau barang-barang mereka; sebagian besar dibentuk oleh mahasiswa setempat. Di sana kutemui klub komunitas pecinta game, anime, komputer, pendaki gunung, bulu tangkis, perhimpunan mahasiswa Jepang, Taiwan, Cina, Muslim dan sebagainya - aku hanya bisa menyesalkan: kios untuk Perhimpunan Mahasiswa Indonesia kok tidak ada penjaganya? Huh, sebal. Orientation Day pastinya menyenangkan untuk para mahasiswa yang menghemat (baca: penyediaan barang-barang gratis untuk para pengunjung). Aku dapat tas cantik, buku tulis, 3 botol air minum (dengan merek yang berbeda), sandwich, satu bungkus permen dan kue kering ^_^.

Yah, akhirnya aku tidak terlalu sebal hari ini...