++ Gratitude ++

When I read the Qur'aan the other day, I came across this verse:

When their Lord tries them by straightening their means, they will say, "My Lord despises me" - Surah Al-Fajr : 16

It is indeed funny how, in my opinion, this verse hits bull's eye. Many people, me included, mostly focus on the misfortunes that befall them. We will question God the reasons behind our misfortunes (I am making the assertion that 'we' here prescribe to a belief system and the existence of God).

When we are struggling with financial matters, we will question why God gives us such hardship.

When we are experiencing heart-break, we will question why God does not make it easy for us.

When we are overworked and exhausted, we will question why God does not give us with better means of sustaing our lives.

You know, I posted some time ago that I believe that everything that happens to us is not necessarily pre-determined by God. God only provides us paths and the Laws of nature, and everything is up to us.

On that note, I am curious to know if anyone has ever asked us the reason behind our fortunate and blessed life? When we get a decent job, when we meet the love of our life, when we are healthy, when we have faithful companions around us: do we ask God why we are bestowed with such blessings? We may be thankful of our life events, but do we stop to think that there may be wisdom behind everything?

Perhaps when we are fortunate enough to get a decent salary, it is God's way to tell us that we have been trusted to pass a portion of our [excess] wealth to those in need. That we have been favoured to be the transmitters of His belessings, rather than the receivers.

Perhaps when we cross path with that someone who fills our heart with love, hope, happiness and compassion, it is God's way to tell us to impart those positive emotions in the heart of people in our surrounding.

There are many other fortunate events that we don't ask ourselves, "What can God possibly intend by honouring me?". There may be roles for every one of us. Of course, I cannot say for certain. I myself have not understood why I have been blessed in my life. But I know, there is a role being prepared for me.

Laksmi's out.

++ Facade Once Again ++

Once again, I had to put on my poker face when I was about to break down and cry. I sat silently, as you poured your heart away. Do you know, even though I looked calm and composed, inside I struggled not to cry? No, I must not cry. For I need to look strong, and help carry your burden. You said, many times over, that I am your place to turn to. You don’t come to anyone else, because you believe I am the best listener. That’s why I have rarely objected, and tried to always open my ears and my heart to contain your overflowing emotions.

But over time, it starts killing me inside. By God, it is difficult to pretend that it affects me not. I too have my share of complications. Life has exhausted me, inside and out. But I cannot show that. You, and everyone else see me as a strong individual. After all, that is why you rest upon my shoulder, right? Seeing me happy and content, is one of the few things that keeps you alive, right?

Then you asked me to forgive and let go, all the negative feelings that may arise from someone’s breach of trust after I know well how everything has affected us both. You said, that I am the kind of person who is capable of forgiveness and compassion. Ah, how noble you see me! Sadly I am not a saint. This feeling inside is gruelling inside that it can kill me. But what can I do? You have asked me, and with a deep sigh I had to say ‘yes’ for your sake.

Now I have to carry on with this facade, pretending that I am okay. I will paint a smile and hold back these tears in your presence. Even if I do cry, I will have to do it silently, and in the darkness where you cannot see me. Damn, it hurts.

++ Mask ++

Some of the hardest things, I’ve found:

* Painting a bright smile on my face when life is filled with darkness,

* Letting no sound escape from my lips when tears overflow from my eyes,

* (Struggling to remain) Standing tall and strong when burdens weigh down my back.

That sounds like I am deceiving myself, that I am being untruthful. But really, many people think that I am strong, and capable of handling all the life’s hardship. Often times when I am overwhelmed with troubles and on the verge of breaking down, those whom I seek advice from will say, “It’s okay, Laksmi, you’ll get through it. You are one of the strongest people I have ever known.” Alright, I may sound up myself there, but I do encounter that advice way too many times. Well, to be honest, I do take pride in being strong, or rather, being perceived as a strong individual. It is my defence mechanism, I suppose. A way to tell others that I will not be broken down no matter what. I guess my life experience has shaped me that way.

That is why I keep telling myself that I need to be strong. I need to show I am positive. I cannot burden others with my feelings. To smile, is to inject happiness into someone else’s soul. But as I said in the beginning, over time it becomes a struggle. Maybe this “strong and positive woman” is a mask I need to take off. I need to be able to become ‘weak’. I need to be able to break down this wall of pride, and crumble. I imagine it will be nice indeed, to be able to be cry out everything in the presence of a friend in need. A friend who can put me to my place, who can show me that it is okay to cry, it is okay to be weak, it is okay to show my feelings and share the burden.

Someday, someday…

++ Oath ++

Lately I have been stressed. Right, ‘stressed’ is pretty much an understatement. I have a thesis due in approximately five weeks, which I am currently struggling to write. On top of that I have many assignment for my two other subjects, I have work and other commitments as well. Anyway, last night, I had an emotional breakdown and totally dumped my emotional baggage on a friend of mine. Poor her.

She told me to chill. As simple as that. Take a day or two off, where I don’t attempt anything that is study related. Find something that motivates me. Something that can make me alive again. Something for me to look forward too.

Sounds simple, right? But that’s what I did today anyway. I met up with a Brother in faith, and had a long conversation on life, relationship, spirituality and servitude. I think I figured out why I felt so burdened lately. I might have been caught up in worldly pursue, and I have not had enough time to develop my spirituality.

I could recall two years ago when I started yearning to walk on spiritual path. I had so many ideals and aspirations that made me feel ‘alive’. There were so many things I wanted to do, and achieve. To think about it now, I barely have the time to do anything due to the overwhelming study and work loads that I have to endure. I guess that’s what has made me ‘empty’ lately. I just have not devoted enough time for my spiritual progression as I used to. Some people advise that education is an important ingredient of one’s personal development because it gives us knowledge and skills that we can transfer to other individuals. Though I question, what if ‘education’ takes over your life and consumes most of your time? While ‘education’ prepares for our future, what about the present that we have? Should we not at least, use some of the present to be of service?

“By the declining day, Lo! Man is a state of loss, Save those who believe and do good works, and exhort one another to truth and exhort one another to endurance.” - 103:1-3

The verses above tell me the significance of doing good deeds every passing day. Yet, I cannot do it. Yet.

Anyway, I am rambling now, and I need to warn you that this post will not make sense. It is almost like a conversation between me and myself. So proceed at your own risk.

So, what now Laksmi? What are you gonna do?

The voice shall tease the mind. To be frank, I don’t think I can do much at this stage. First of all, I need to get rid of this ‘emptiness’ inside. I need to revive the spark.

Right, how?

Well, right now let’s start with words only, action shall follow later. I shall list down what I want to do, and God willing I WILL do, once I finish my thesis and my degree. That will give something to look forward to. In the future I can come back to this and check if I have done what my lips have uttered – something that can tell me whether everything has only been all talk, or not. Okay, here we go

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
In the name of God, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Let’s make it an oath between You and I.

1) I want to be more active in building bridges between people. I will hold on to that one verse, that (I feel) defines me as a person, and defines my reason of existence.

“O mankind! Lo! We have created you from male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware.” - 49:13

2) I want to persevere as a regular blood donor. I want to be eligible as a platelet donor, where it is needed most. I shall achieve it by maintaining a healthy lifestyle. God willing, I can inspire others to make their own blood donation.

“On that account: We ordained for the Children of Israel that if anyone slew a person ― unless it be for murder or for spreading mischief in the land― it would be as if he slew the whole people: and if anyone saved a life it would be as if he saved the life of the whole people.” - 5:32

3) I want to commit to volunteering for homeless services, mainly Manly Street Mission and Al-ansaar project.

“Ah, what will convey unto thee what the Ascent is! - to free a slave, And to feed in the day of hunger. An orphan near of kin, Or some poor wretch in misery.” - 90:12-16

4) I want to be more active and responsive in my day-to-day activity. To use my time wisely, and channel it to do good, whatever it is.

“Lo! Aforetime they were doers of good; They used to sleep but little of the night, And ere the dawning of each day would seek forgiveness, And in their wealth the beggar and the outcast had due share. And in the earth are portents for those whose faith is sure.” - 51:16-20

5) I want to write more. I want to share my thoughts and views, in peaceful manners. I want to write good words that can inspire the people around me.

“A good word is like a good tree, firmly rooted and its branches in the sky, it yields its fruit each time with its Lord's permission” - 14:24-25

6) I want to resume learning languages. Arabic, Hebrew, Japanese, and Persian.

7) I want to read more and understand The Scriptures more.

“Read: In the name of thy Lord Who createth, Createth man from a clot. Read: And thy Lord is the Most Bounteous, Who teacheth by the pen, Teacheth man that which he knew not.” - 96:1-5

9) I want to overcome my insecurity. I want to defeat the devil within. I want to be more grateful of what God has blessed me with.

“Which is it, of the favours of your Lord, that ye deny? Blessed be the name of thy Lord, Mighty and glorious!” - 55:77-78

10) I want to network more with like-minded individuals, and establish a collective social movement for a cause that we care about.

“And hold fast, all of you together, to the rope of Allah, and do not separate. And remember Allah's favour unto you: how ye were enemies and He made friendship between your hearts so that ye became as brothers by His grace.” - 3:103

11) I want to adopt mostly sustainable and ethical lifestyle.

12) I want to travel more, to witness and become more appreciative of the grand design that He has created

“Travel in the land and see how He originated creation, then Allah bringeth forth the later growth. Lo! Allah is Able to do all things.” - 29:20

13) And of course, I want to spend more for good causes, while still being able to enjoy God’s provisions in life.

“He it is Who produceth gardens trellised and untrellised, and the date-palm, and crops of divers flavour, and the olive and the pomegranate, like and unlike. Eat ye of the fruit thereof when it fruiteth, and pay the due thereof upon the harvest day, and be not prodigal. Lo! Allah loveth not the prodigals.” - 6:141

ٱلۡحَمۡدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلۡعَـٰلَمِينَ
Praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds!

That shall conclude my part oath and part prayer. An ambitious one, maybe. But that is something that I tell myself I’ll do, to keep me alive while I slave away (momentarily) for my worldly pursue.

And I give you permission to slap me on the face if next year I don’t do any of the above :).

- Peace -

PS: I find it amusing, when I realised that the concluding prayer (the last Arabic phrase) came from 10:10 (chaper Yunus/Jonah). Indeed all this time I have felt like I am Yunus/Jonah, where I am overwhelmed by the fish and in a struggle to swim to the shore. God willing, I will reach the shore, sooner than later.

++ Questions ++

If someone whom you’ve trusted the most betrayed you, would you then close your heart and become everyone’s stranger?

If someone whom you’ve always reached out to turned their backs on you, would you then tie your hands behind your back?

If someone whom you’ve climbed up to looked down upon you, would you fall into the pit of self-loathe and low self-esteem?

If someone whose hands you held on to for support put you down, would you then stand low and not arise?

If someone whom you’ve tirelessly threaded friendship with cut the string loose, would you then weave your being into solitude?

If someone whom you’ve walked the path of life with overtook you and never looked back, would you then never stop to see those behind you?

***

Some of the devil’s whispers that have been resonating inside my head from time to time. I understand that we should not expect our deeds to be reciprocated, but how can we stay strong and persevere when we are unappreciated for what we do?

++ Benevolent Sexism ++

I am dumbfounded.

I came across an article that touched on the topic of ‘benevolent sexism’. Alright, folks. Before you launch an accusation at me saying that I am a hard core feminist, let me assure you that I do not agree with the views that are being presented by the authors.

It is conveyed that ‘benevolent sexism’ takes form in a number of chivalrous acts that may be perceived as favourable. The authors argue that such attitudes reflect our sexism tendency in which we portray women as weaker beings who need to be protected. Examples include opening doors for women, calling women ‘girls’ while you do not refer men as ‘boys’, helping women carry heavy packages, and complimenting them on their looks. The impacts of ‘benevolent sexism’ can be more damaging than imaginable. The authors argue that ‘benevolent sexism’ may lead women to experience self doubt, low self-esteem and a sense of preoccupation. These ultimately will affect the quality of tasks that they perform. Unlike sexism that is hostile in nature, most people are unaware of the consequences that may arise from the practice of ‘benevolent sexism’. In fact, many cultures endorse such practice, while not realising that the women are idealized as weak creatures and are best confined to traditional gender roles.

I don’t know about you, but I find the views hilariously bad and confusing. I used to think that I am a feminist who strongly believes in equal opportunity (please not that I say ‘opportunity’ and not ‘treatment’). Heck, if this is the type of arguments that the feminists put forward nowadays, I will happily detach myself from the feminist ideology and will join the rank of the ‘submissive’ and ‘subjugated’ women whom they condemn.

I think this is a case of feminism gone extreme (and rotten). If you know me well, you will gather how much I object to women’s being stereotyped and assigned to traditional gender roles. I do not believe that women are second-class citizens who are lower than men. I do not believe that women lack intelligence or skills required to excel in a workforce. I believe there should be a system that rewards and acknowledges men and women based on their experience, skills and qualifications, and not based on their gender. However, I do not believe men and women are the same. They’re not. They have different biological programming, and are equipped with different instincts. That’s what I believe anyway.

Generally speaking, men are physically more capable than women, and they have the instinct to be the protector and maintainer in the relationship while women have the tendency to seek affection. It can work the other way if both parties prefer, of course! So please enlighten me, what is so sexist about expressing these instincts? Where do you draw the line between what is sexist and what is not?

On that note, I don’t think that chivalry is an obligation for the male species, in the same way that women should not be obligated to serve the men. It is more in line of an act of kindness or a way to express their base instinct (to help others). I wonder if I offer an elderly woman to carry her heavy packages, I will be branded as an ‘age-ist’ because my action is influenced by my attitude towards someone’s age? Will I be accused of disability-ism if I offer a disabled man a seat in the bus?

Seriously, these people who preach about ‘benevolent sexism’ should consider the gravity of the consequences that may arise if men and women are to receive equal treatment (by that I don’t mean opportunity!). Women would not be granted maternity leave for the sake of equality. After all, where is paternity leave? Yes, I know that at the time women will have to nurture the newborn babies, but that is irrelevant to the tasks being performed at the workplace. Women would have to cope with derogatory, sexually explicit remarks that are sometimes used between male co-workers (which I gather is a sign of closeness or ‘brotherhood’). And the list can go on.

In conclusion, I definitely will not cry sexism if a charming young lad offers to carry my stuff for me (I will be quite flattered actually!). And I definitely will not think that I am either being submissive (to man) or betraying the female community, if bake my man some delicious (and healthy) chocolate cakes!

Extremist-feminist, ye be gone!

++ Caffeine ++

It’s official. Once again I fell into the pit of caffeine addiction. So much for my commitment to adopt a healthy and alkaline-based diet! Oh well, at least a glass of homemade double-shot latte with oat milk was able to keep me awake the whole day after 1.5 hour sleep! It’s bad, I know. But for the time being, I guess I’ll keep with the caffeine ‘til I am done with my university! So to all of you who have been guilt-tripping me for my excessive caffeine consumption, shoooosssh!

++ Generation Gap ++

We have all had arguments and disagreements with our parents in the past. Different generations, different ways of perceiving, different expectations, and different priorities. I have heard my friends complain that their parents have tried to mould them into something they are not. A friend was forced to undertake a tertiary degree which she was not interested at all, and had to give up her passion. Another friend was demanded to purchase a property when he was still unsure what direction he wanted to take in his life. Then another friend was pressured into seeing many suitors because she has come to the age of marriage. I too have done several things that I do not particularly want to do, for the sake of satisfying my parents’ expectations.

I understand that parents wish for whatever is best for their children. But surely they should put more trust on their children, that they can make their own decisions? I often feel that many parents do not understand the needs and the passions of their children; they simply project their own experiences and values on their children. My most recent experience is that, I was told that I should focus more on my academic and professional progressions. Okay, I understand that such progressions may result in financial stability, which *may* help me attain happiness. That being said, I strongly believe that life is not all about being academically and professionally successful. I would like to be able to at least devote a portion of my time in social and community works. Apparently I was told that such works are currently unnecessary – because I am in my last semester, thus I have to focus on getting good grades. I understand what the argument comes from, but surely, I am not expected to spend my time to merely slave for my university and work commitments. That does not make me happy. I need that time, where I connect to other people, and help them if possible. The things that makes me feel that my life is not useless. My mark of existence. And I’ll tell myself, not to let my professional and academic commitments hinder prevent me from partaking at social activism. Now I am struggling a little bit to convey that, and I do hope, that they will understand what it is that gives me joy and happiness.

Anyhow, it makes me wonder, if one day I will become one of these parents who enforce my values and expectations on my children. Time will tell, but hopefully, I’ll be the one who helps them reach their potential.

++ Grateful ++

Suddenly I recalled the conversation that I had with a homeless man when I was helping out at a local street café. Let’s just say he was in the position of receiving instead of giving. Then he made a remark which has seen been carved into my brain. He basically said how giving and helping others were concepts of luxury for him due to the struggle that he had to experience every day. Simply put, he cannot afford giving, and hence is forced to be selfish where he only thinks of his own good.

His statement now makes me think about the unfortunate ones. As someone who subscribes to a particular belief system (Islam), I thus think about what it is to be a good believer in God’s eyes for them. Upon reading the Qur’aan, I have always felt that it addresses the believers as if they are financially sufficient. Indeed there are various verses that talk about one’s being tried with poverty, but it reads with the idea that one has experienced abundance before. Then I wonder now, what about those who have been destitute for all their lives? They cannot give, and they may have to steal or even kill, to survive another day. What is it then, the essence of being a believer for them? From my present understanding of the Qur’aan, one part of being a believer is to be grateful of what they have. However, when one experiences hardship that is extreme, what is there to be grateful for? An example includes people who suffer from famine in East Africa, how are they expected to be grateful? Those children born into poverty and experience starvation in daily basis, how can they be taught to acknowledge the bounties of God?

*sighs*

I know I should just focus on my spiritual development, and try to contribute to developing the state of humanity. But from time to time, I cannot help but feeling unsettled. I am indeed fortunate, for the bounties that God has provided. Alhamdulillah.

I don’t know whether I should feel happy, or sad…

It feels like yesterday, that life was overwhelming me. Exhausting me, inside and out. Life is still hard, of course, but it has started to ease. I can still recall the time when I felt like I did not belong, that I had no place to call ‘home’. The time when I felt that I was living in an empty shell. The time when my ‘hello’ would be greeted by a cold silence. And you know, I would try to ‘escape’ somewhere else. I said, it was my ‘sanctuary’, so I could not leave, no, not yet. Even though we both knew I hated that place. It worn me out. Yet at the time, and not until recently, that I had no courage to step out.

The time has flown by, really fast, and many things have happened. I have broken the concrete wall, and have started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. That empty shell has started becoming a home, and the sound of silence no longer resonates. I no longer want to run away. I have said many times, that I did not find within me, love or emotional attachment. Well, things are different now. The storm, the resentment, and the negativity have calmed down. There has been this urge, to love and please. Something that I have not experienced before.

And just now, I bid farewell to the place where I called ‘sanctuary’. There is no longer a reason to need a sanctuary. There is no longer a need to work like there is no tomorrow. You used to keep telling me to stop, but I did not listen. And now I have stopped, I have no one to share the good news with. Such is the irony of life. But I am looking ahead for some peaceful times, watching the times unfold before my eyes with my beloved ones, or perhaps with the compassionate ones, God willing.

That being said, there have been some thorns along the way. The devil of the past caught me into its cycle a couple of times, and everything almost went down the drain. Thank God for a friend of faith that I managed to break free. And when I thought all misunderstanding had been cleared, it all came back to bite me. Distrust, suspicion and lack of understanding, have led to a broken friendship. It’s a pity, really. You know, I have always said, one of the things I am most passionate about as a muslim, is unity between believers. I often said, I am a 49:13 person! Well, that is still me, and nothing has changed that, but I have learnt that unity works both ways. I cannot force unity, if the other end neither desires it nor see its worth. When such circumstance happens, I guess I will have to move on.

Anyway, life is generally good. As I said in the beginning of the post, I don’t know whether I should be happy or sad. I should be happy and grateful for the bounties that God has provided me. Then again, there is something missing from my life. Something that I now dearly miss.

So, old friend, you may not think much of me anymore, after what has been said (or not said), and done. But yeah, thank you for being there when I needed you. It has been blessing indeed to have known you. Peace.

And yes, I am really this stupid to get caught in silly nostalgia and write this note, which you’ll probably never read.

++ The Three Great Teachers ++

There are three great teachers who, I believe, have changed the way I approached life. Let’s rewind the tape of my life to where I was in Year 5. I was young and carefree, with no care about academic progression whatsoever. I can still recall the time when my mum found a stack of my exam papers, mostly with marks within the range of 20%-40%. She said a thing or two, which did give a slight electric shock. But the extra push, happened in one defining moment:

One fine morning, my maths teacher asked the class what would be the result of 3-5. Everyone looked confused, as they could not fathom how to deduct a greater number. My hand shot through the sky, and I confidently answered, “Negative two!” Everyone looked at me – they ought to have thought, “How the heck does a no-name kid know the answer?!” What I did not say, was that my mother asked me the exact same question the night before [which left me utterly confused too]. So to put it bluntly, everything was a fluke. An epic fluke.

The day went by, I became a center of attention for once in my life! But the horror came when it was lunch time. My maths teacher approached me, saying that he was so impressed with my maths ‘skills’, so he enrolled me in a maths competition. I almost crapped myself.

“You have a knack in maths,” He said. I was like, what the heck dude, the whole thing was just an epic fluke and I have no gift whatsoever! I did not say that out loud, of course. So there I was, standing petrified after being told that I would go for a maths competition. I started thinking, what if I bomb really badly in the competition? People would laugh at me! I would be disgraced! And many things were running through my mind. At the time, there was one thing that I had in me. Pride. I did not want to personally admit I could not do it. So I said to my maths teacher, I would do it, but I would need assistance. He smiled, and said, fantastic! I would tutor you maths outside class to prepare you for the competitions.

So the story goes, he fed me with so many maths questions. When I hit a brick wall, he would teach me how to treat maths as an entertaining game. He would show me some tricks and patterns when calculating numbers. In the end, I did come to a point that I actually thought maths was fun! I did go for the competitions, but only placed third. Anyway, from that moment on, I gained this drive to excel and wanted more. My grade steadily improved, and it was a pleasant surprise to know that I climbed from rank 24 to rank 3! I passed the end-of-primary school national exam (yes it exists!), and finished with a grade of 45.7 out of 50, and I could enroll to the high school I wanted. All thanks to that maths teacher who has introduced the joy of learning.

Fast forward to Year 12. That was one of the most stressful period in my life, as I was preparing for national exam. That was also my third year in Australia. I know three years is a long time, but for me, I was having an identity crisis. The culture shock was unbearable, and I was in denial. I think I felt quite different, and unable to fit in. I became introverted, and just used studying as my escape. Gaining academic achievement was the only thing I had in mind. To be honest, I did not quite understand what my ambitions were, and how I should use my skills to achieve these ambitions.

Until my teacher asked me a question,

“So, do you know what you want to become in the future?”

I answered, as a matter-of-factly, “Engineer”

He then added, “Engineer? Why?”

I thought for a second, “It runs in the family I guess.”

In which he curiously pursued, “So you actually WANT to become an engineer? Is that something you are passionate about?”

I did not really answer properly, and I gave a half-baked answer such “Well, maths is cool, and engineering is maths.”

Then he said, “I think you should do International Relations, or something to do with Communications?”

Whoa, that came totally out of nowhere. I mean, I thought I was a technical person who buried her head in maths book!

“You have a gift in language. I believe you can use that gift to connect to people, and make your life journey a meaningful one,” He advised.

I almost fell over. Dude, do you know who you’re talking to? I don’t have many friends, I am introverted. I spend my time calculating maths problems, and now you’re telling me to connect with people? Sure I like to have fiery debates in class when someone got on my nerve, but that does not mean I should being more immersed in language and communications!

He must have read what I was thinking and said, “Trust me. I know things you do not. That’s what I believe you should do.”

Anyway, I still stuck to Engineering, but based on his advice I also chose International Studies as another component of my degree.

The story unfolded, that whole Year 12 was an overwhelming one. But he was there to mentor and support me. I remember bursting out crying when I was about to breakdown, and he was there to tell me that he had faith in me. That I was strong enough to overcome everything.

So Year 12 concluded, and I came out practically sane. Now 7 years after, I realised the significance of the advice that he has made. He saw what was hiding inside, and helped me realise it. I do now have strong interest in languages, and communications. I don’t think I am introverted, and now I do get the joy out of connecting to people. If it was not for his advice and words of encouragement, I would probably not have considered doing social arts and would have remained introverted. You’d probably see me talking to lab instruments more than I would talk to people!

Then I graduated out of high school. I was a fresh first year university student then. There is one subject that drove me against the wall because I did not seem to get it. One day I was on the verge of breaking down because: it was already 5pm, and exam would be the next day and I was not understanding anything! Anyway, I tried to seek help from a lecturer, but he shot me down by saying, “Well, first I am not responsible in teaching you. Secondly I am busy so leave me alone.”

I was shocked, and I almost lost hope. It was already 5.30 and everything is falling down. Then in desperation, I saw the office of this lecturer still open. I was contemplating whether I should seek his help. I mean, it’s 5.30 and he must be busy! He’s a professor after all! I nervously knocked on his door, and he said, “Come in!”

Then I saw piles and piles of paper on his table. Damn, he IS busy. I thought.

“What can I help you?” He asked.
“Um, I was wondering if you could help me with this question because I don’t understand.” I nervously asked while showing him a past exam paper.

Seriously, I thought he would massacre me to pieces like the other lecturer. Really, he was busy and I was asking a freaking first-year question which would be like eating a piece of cake for him! I was struck by lightning when I said, “Sure.”

Then he spent about 15 minutes teaching me how to solve the question. I understood, and it was good.

When it was all finished and I was about to leave his office, I apologized for interrupting him as he looked busy.

He smiled and answered, “Yes I am busy. But students come first.”

His response has since been ingrained into my brain. Six years later, and now I am doing my thesis. From the beginning I had decided that he would become my supervisor. My friends advised me not to, because he is known to be an extremely busy lecturer who would not have time to see his students. I found that hard to believe, so I went on and asked him to supervise me. Which he agreed to.

Contrary to my friends’ advice, my lecturer was never too busy to see his students. When I told him I would start my thesis six weeks earlier, he was more than happy to set up weekly meetings to ensure I was on the right track.

So today, I finished work and headed straight to the appointment to discuss the progress of my thesis. After weeks and weeks of agonizing and tedious phone calls, I finally managed to set up an interview with security engineers who might be able to give me information related to my thesis. Thing is, the interview would be in three days. I would be pressed to come up with intelligent questions within that timeframe, knowing my schedule nowadays. So he suggested, do as many questions as possible by Sunday night. I will review them, and include some that I think will help you. I’ll have done it by Monday midday.

I was relieved. So we concluded the meeting, and scheduled another one in 11 days time. I made a comment on how busy he seemed (which he agreed), and remarked how I found it surprising that a professor in his caliber would spare time for me – I mentioned how some of my friends have never even seen their supervisors!

To which, he responded, “Well lucky for you, I am not one of those lecturers!”

I thanked him, for assisting me despite his busy schedule – he could have dumped me to focus on his projects! And he smiled,

“Well, students come first.”

I lightly chuckled. It was such a Déjà vu, from 6 years ago (it was roughly the same time too!).

I said, “It’s funny, you said the very same thing 6 years ago.” And I told him what I recounted from 6 years ago (he did not remember by the way).

He seemed amused that I would remember such a thing, and he said, “I must have meant it then. And I mean it.”

I don’t know how to explain – but it’s good that a teacher genuinely cares for his/her students. In a way, it becomes a motivation for me to prove that I am capable of producing high-quality works. Well, I may not be that good, but at least I will try so I will not disappoint him. Oh well, I guess I won’t settle just for a pass this time!

***

Teachers do have their contributions in shaping the students’ lives – and they are remembered. Well, at least I still remember all those tiny little evens that have changed me, or have given me a reason to do, or be something.

So, what has your most influential teacher done for your life?

++ Enlightened ++

Over the past few months, I have been feeling quite depressed. I guess it's the matter of the heart, and to escape the painful feeling, I worked and worked like there was no tomorrow. I guess it was a way of keeping me busy. But the impact was quite significant, I became too immersed in pursuing worldly affairs and in the end, I became less caring about improving my spiritual awareness. It then turned into a domino effect, as this made me think that I was not good enough, I was unworthy - so why bother?

Anyway, things changed when I decided to stop for a couple of days. Forget about work, forget about study! So, I chilled out at my university, and caught up with my old friends. There was a defining moment, when someone suggested that I looked into another belief system, and its scripture. Well maybe I was bored, or maybe there was a little push from the Supreme Being, that I actually thought, the heck why not!

So I read. I explored their arguments why their belief system is the truth. I examined how they implement their belief system, and what makes a believer.

And guess what?

The more I read about their depiction of God, the more I believe in the Oneness of God. The Indivisible.
The more I read their scripture, the more I believe in the Qur'an.
The more I read into their belief system, the more I believe in Islam.

You don't need physical miracles to believe. And I realise the merit of the Qur'an that very day. Miracles don't matter, because Truth prevails over falsehood. What I love, and become more appreciative by the day, is that it simply is not about what you believe, but how you implement your belief. It is not simply about worshipping God for what He has done for us, it is about being grateful to God by doing service to humanity. Yes, we humans are imperfect, but that is our nature. It's what we do to cover our imperfections that really matters.

So my spirit is way up now, and nothing can bring me down now. I am looking forward to what I can do in many years to come <3

++ Home ++

A house is not a home. Last spring, one would find me utter those words and understand what I had been through. Well, I did have a home back then, but it just was not the empty shell where I was dwelling at. It was something different; something I could neither touch nor behold, but I knew it was there. It was a place of comfort and tranquility. It gave me a reason to smile, to laugh, and strangely enough, to be ‘small’. That I no longer needed to appear strong; that it was okay to be weak, and to be what a human is.

Yes, I had a house and a home. But alas, that home I loved is no longer there; for life wanted me to have a home somewhere else. Frankly, everything has been a strange turn of events. The house, that was unbearable cold, has begun to exude warmth. It may not yet be a home, but I no longer feel hollow within.

I know, I know. I am not making any sense at all. You may wonder what has compelled me to write such a cryptic post. Perhaps it was due to my encounter with three individuals in the past week. Three different beings, three different professions, three different places, three different characters, but one thing in common. And through this one thing, I was able to connect with these people in the most amazing way.

Yes, that home of the past might have forever closed its door on me. But I did leave me with a key. A key to open many other homes for years to come. The homes that are people. I am grateful, though sometimes nostalgia lingers, and I wish I could rest in that home just one more time!

++ Justice ++

Justice.

Such a profound word and it often evokes strong feelings inside. But lately I have been wondering whether there is a universal understanding of what justice really is.

Some people say justice equates an eye for an eye. Blood for blood. Some implement punishment that is deemed to be proportionate to the degree of the crime committed. In the case of retaliation, imagine a man murdering another man. Under an eye for an eye philosophy, the criminal shall be sentenced to death in order to put justice into practice. The theory sounds simple and fair for some, but the execution may yield greater harms than benefits. The act of retaliation does not take into consideration the individuals that may be affected by the implementation of such punishment; it seems to regard an individual as a detached component of mankind, as if what happens to someone will not affect the others. What if the guilty has family to support? Will justice be served when the family of the guilty loses their sole breadwinner, and ultimately struggle to sustain their lives? What about the emotional scar that will be inflicted upon them? The wife will become a widow and the children fatherless. What shall be the compensation for the emotional as well as financial damage that the family of the executed have to experience? Yes of course we have to consider the victim’s family and what they have to endure, but surely the act of retaliation is not the perfect solution to this case? There should be a better means for the guilty to redeem his crime.

Some will argue that imprisonment is the way to go. You do the crime, you serve the time. I cannot say I disagree but I often wonder what the real function of imprisonment is. Based on my limited understanding, prisons seem to be isolating criminals from the society where they will be subjected to inhumane treatment. It almost feels like they are exiled, so they will not threaten our sense of security. So really, is imprisonment meant to cast the criminals away or is it meant to give them a chance to redeem themselves? Will harsh treatment ever manage to heal their morality, or raise their awareness of their social responsibility, or move them to repent for their mistakes?

Another from of punishment involves physical torture or body mutilation coupled with public humiliation. The supporters of such punishment argue that its severity will serve to deter any infringement of the laws; hence order and justice will be maintained. However, after its execution, what will happen to the guilty? Will they ever feel as a ‘complete’ human being after being subjected to such emotional and physical damage? Can we expect that they will be fully capable of redemption and becoming an active part of the community when they forever lose a part of their bodily functions?

Pray tell, what is justice, really? Everyone has their own definition of justice as well as their own set of laws and morality.

Drug traffickers may be sentenced to capital punishment in one state, while they will only serve a few years of imprisonment in another state.

Blasphemy may warrant a death penalty in conservative countries while it is a part of fundamental rights [of the so called freedom of speech] in secular countries.

Some people will cry, ‘Justice is served!’, when a serial killer is sentenced to death, while some will condemn such punishment. Then if murdering five or ten people is such a gross criminal act, what about the political leaders who declare wars and invade other countries, and then slay the innocents under the banner of self defense or foreign aids? Why then no one demands justice for the blood of the thousands, or even millions, of the innocents when the culprits act upon political stage?

So really, there only exists relative justice where laws are crafted to suit the needs and the values of the lawmakers. There is no such thing as universally absolute justice on earth. I tend to believe that something becomes fair, or lawful, when the governing body actually benefits from it. That is why social injustice is so prevalent in modern society and in a way, condoned by the government. Often times, injustice (won’t mention any example lest that anyone will be offended) becomes a big business where it generates high tax where the national revenue relies upon.

Okay, I am talking nonsense again. I wonder if there ever will be a system that can realise justice. By this I mean justice as a means to nourish and improve the community. Where the law offenders are healed by being given the chance to mend their ways and become better people, and not merely punished or cast away just because they deserve it.

Right, enough of my rambling. Laksmi's out.

++ Another Useless pondering ++

Before you read, just bear in mind that this note is just my useless pondering and most probably holds no significance whatsoever. Anyway, a week ago I watched the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (which I wrote about in my previous note). So during my travelling home from work, I was curiously watching people out in the streets from the little bus window. Then this quote from the movie resonated inside my head:

“But life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control …”

It made me wonder how complex our life is. Every individual has multiple paths and decision to take, which intersects and affects others’ spectrum of life. A deed that may seem inconsequential may actually impact others significantly. Stopping for a quick caffeine fix may interconnect your path with someone whom you may get personally involved with, and that relationship will create another set of events and complications. And by not stopping at all, you may not get the opportunity to meet that someone, and your life will be therefore different and will affect others’ lives differently.

And to think that there are billions of human beings currently living on earth, each with their own paths that lead to different possibilities, and countless scenarios, is just mind blowing. I just feel that it would be fascinating to watch all the chain of life events unfold. This incredibly complex and grand network. Pity I may not know how my simple actions, be them positive or negative, alter others’ course of events. Oh well, I guess I’ll keep thinking I am more or less a passive and insignificant stretch of mortal time.

Laksmi’s out.

++ Existence ++

Yes, it’s that time again. I feel the urge to pointlessly ramble, and try to show how artsy-fancy and philosophical I can sound. I can guarantee you, that it will be the biggest epic fail ever.

Anyway, more or less, this note is partially written for my gorgeous Sister who seems to be infected by my tendency to pointlessly ramble on basically the most trivial things in life *points at her most current note*.

Her note (if you are on her friends’ list, you can view it) reminds me of the conversation that I had with this person whom I crossed path a few weeks ago. We both happened to be waiting for the same train, and heading to the same destination. Knowing the hippy that I am, I chatted him up, and that led us to have a conversation on various topics. Religion, politics, economy, ethical farming, health and nutrition, you name it! I gotta say, the dude is extremely intelligent and knowledgeable. It was obvious, given the depth of his responses to the topics that we covered that day. Anyway, I learnt that he was a sociopath. He claimed that he could not feel any sympathy towards others’ misfortune nor he felt the urge to help ease others’ sufferings. Well, I frankly could not relate to what he was experiencing, but hey I would not judge. I cannot judge someone based on what their neurology has programmed them to feel and act. As long as they do not harm nor invade others’ personal space, I won’t say that sociopaths are bad people. Just my humble opinion.

Anyway, our conversation led us to talk about profession, and what we wanted to achieve through our profession. He expressed sentiments against working for government, because he could not climb to the top as he would in the private industry. I disagreed. I argued that working for government provided us with work and life balance, and we would not be enslaved to gaining more and more money in the expense of our time. I guess people have already assumed that working for a government’s agency equates laziness and pure bludging (which sometimes I cannot deny, but I believe if someone is motivated and willing to work hard, then good things can come out). If I can recall correctly, the conversation goes like this

Hippy-dudette: I actually believe that working for the government is great! You can get work and life balance, something that you cannot get from private firms who usually overwork their employees.

Socio-dude: Well, I guess your perspective as a woman differs from male perspective. We men are born with this masculine instinct, that gives us the urge to climb to the top and ‘conquer’ other men. That’s why working in the private industry is ideal, because it pushes us to our limits, and we can earn high salary.

Hippy-dudette: Well I guess it boils down to our purpose in life then. Why would you want to spend most of your time working? Don’t you want to have spare time for yourself and others? Will your life be driven purely by money?

*note: that is kinda ironic because right now I am slaving away for work, barely having any day off >.

Socio-dude: It is not just about money! It’s about fame. Don’t you want to be on top, gain that social status and people acknowledge your accomplishment? So you know then, that your life is not wasted. That’s what I am striving for.

The preachy, and hippy me could not resist but answering like I was a character from a Disney movie:


Hippy-dudette: Yes, ‘fame’ can be good. Knowing that your efforts are recognized, that everything isn’t in vain. But I really think that ‘fame’ should be achieved through kindness, and not social status or wealth. When people know you through your position, that ‘fame’ lasts only when you live. But ‘fame’ through kindness lasts forever. When you pass away, people will not remember who the CEO of that big company is, but people will remember that person who give them an act of kindness. When you’ve been good all your life, people will genuinely love you and will miss you when you die. You will still live in their memory. I guess that’s the kind of ‘fame’ I would prefer. Maybe not fame, but rather a sense of existence. That what you do matters to others in a positive way.
...

And the conversation went on and on from that point on. I don’t think I will bore you any further.
Anyway, I hope y’all are aware that the above ‘transcript’ is not verbatim. It’s just the gist of the conversation. Nay, I don’t talk big words like that in real life. I take pride in sounding normal and not like I am reading a C-grade philosophical essay. Y’know I just want to sound oh-so-smart there. Okay that is out of the way.

Some of us have probably wondered what our purpose in life is. Are we merely a result of two people falling into the gravity of physical attraction? Are we just a stretch of mortal time, resulted by random probability (maybe Stephen Hawkings can say a word or two about quantum fluctuation).

I guess we will not find out, with certainty. The point being is that we –exist-. Some people believe that they only exist for themselves; they are born alone and will die alone. But I would like to think, that we also exist for others. After all, others have existed for us. The heroes before our time existed to fight for our independence. The engineers through the age have existed to create better means of living for humanity. The doctors have existed to cure our diseases. The construction workers have existed to build our houses, our buildings, our schools and other structures. Our parents have existed to make us –exist-, to teach us speech and to raise us with love.

So when often you find yourself alone (it’s a massive hint for *coughRubabcough*), rest assured that you’re not. Everything around us is the product of the existence of others. Others have cared enough to make our lives easier and more advanced.

And when you find yourself “useless”, and tired of the routine. Just remember that your existence itself has affected others, either positive and negative.

If you’re a university student who thinks that all you do is ‘only’ studying, having fun with friends and working a few hours to sustain your living. Well, you’re not “useless”. What you are currently doing is preparing for the future, you are still “mixing the ingredients” for success. When the time comes that you are recognised for your skills and expertise, you will be ready to help others and be useful. Networking and having friends itself is an act of kindness. Right now you exist to be a support for your friends, and exist to lighten their burdens and brighten their days.

When you’re a housewife who thinks that all you do is being stuck at home, raising your kids, and not doing any social works. Well, you’re not “useless”. You are shaping and educating your kids, who will play their roles in the future generation. Hopefully your efforts will result in a better generation. That’s the meaning of your existence.

You don’t need to be the richest person on earth to exist. You don’t need to be the most outspoken activist to bring a change. Through simple gestures and random acts of kindness, you will impart a tiny part of yourself in others. You will exist. Trust yourself, you may not see it because own self is the most critical, but rest assured that your existence matters for others. Do what you can, even if it’s just one smile. Who knows, that one smile may brighten someone’s day and help them through their depression. Even if it’s just sparing a couple of bucks from your coffee allowance, you may help the needy survive another day.

You exist, and you matter.

Okay, I am not making sense. Partly because it is almost midnight, and also 'cause, well, my 'lil peanut brain just can do any better at articulating. Laksmi's out.

++ About Growing Old ++

After God knows how long, I finally got myself to watch a movie. Yes, I was bored. It was freezing cold, and what would be better than getting rugged up in a thick blanket, sipping a mug of soy hot cocoa with a dash of honey and cinnamon, while watching an award-winning movie? Not that I do it often. Nonetheless, it was pure bliss

Anyway, the story goes, I watched a movie titled The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. For those who have not watched it, the movie is about someone who was born old, and grows younger by the years. Basically it narrates someone’s life experience as a boy trapped in an old man’s body, and reverses his age, in which he grows older internally but younger externally.

Quite a bittersweet story, actually. It makes me think of what will happen when I grow old. Questions started arising inside my head.

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when my children think that I am old fashioned?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when the kids around the block think I am just an imbecile old hag?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when I start not understanding what is going on with the world?

What will happen if that time comes to pass, when I sit alone and no one visits me because they think I will nag and just too much of a burden?

What will happen if that time comes to pass that I have to depart this earthly life, will I be able to let go and say that I have done enough for humanity?

The thought is rather scary. I am not much too concerned about physical aging, after all there is botox and age defying make-up (haha). I just think, what will become of me when I realise I have changed emotionally? Or rather, when I think the world has changed. Scary indeed.

Anyway, that movie did give me a new perspective. After all, we may not get our parents or other older relatives. But I guess they may be experiencing that stage of change, when the world has changed, when people don’t understand you, and no one seems to care. I need to keep telling myself to be kinder to ‘the other generation’.

Peace out.

++ Marriage ++

Marriage.

For many people, the word seems to be able to conjure magic, where all the life problems will disappear once someone enters life of marriage.

“And they live happily ever after.”

The fairy-tale lovers are intoxicated with the idea of marriage, which is almost always associated with everlasting love. After all, everyone needs love to live a happy life. Just like Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, marriage will provide one with happiness. Right?

“Marriage is half of someone’s faith.”

The more religious ones believe in the idea that marriage is an act of worship, where they will be more righteous in the eyes of God. After all, that’s what the forefathers tell them, who heard it from their forefathers.

Right.

I am sure some of you are often being asked questions such as, “So, when are you getting hitched?”, “Why are you still single?”, or “Why don’t you hurry up and get married already?!”.

Seesh people, just like all things in the world, marriage has its positives and negatives. We are delusional if we think that marriage is THE key to happiness. Sure, marriage or relationship for that matter, enables someone to experience affection and intimacy, (hopefully) with their loved ones. Sure, marriage may give you that special friend whom you can turn to and eases your burden when you’re down. I am sure the list can go on (I won’t have a clue, I have never been married). However, it too has negatives. There are some things that need to be compromised when it comes to two people living together (three or four if polygamy is your thing -_-). There will be occasional (or usual) fights and arguments throughout the course of marriage. It takes efforts, respect and understanding to make a marriage work.

I am not against marriage at all. Heck, if anyone picks me up from the bargain shelf, I’ll probably start fussing about marriage itself! But I just don’t understand why people think that marriage guarantees happiness, or that singlehood is synonymous with misery and loneliness. Some people can actually be unhappy in a marriage if it’s not a health and loving one. And some people can be happy waving the singlehood flag if they are comfortable with themselves, and living their lives to the fullest.

I wonder, when people say they want to get married, do they understand why they want to? Is it because, well, everyone else is married and hance they need to be married? Has it become a social standard that everyone needs to adhere to?

I don’t know, some people are just investing way too much time to get that “special someone” to marry, in the expense of other things. Well, putting efforts is not bad, really. After all, if we invest a lot of time, effort and resources to undergo education, and secure a profession, why not devote a bit of time to seek our life partner? But yeah, I cannot comprehend when someone’s mind is occupied with the thought of being married. I am sure there are better things to worry about.

A dear friend of mine, once said it profoundly,

“When the time comes when you have to depart this world, and pass way, it will suck if you come into realisation that you spend your times thinking about hooking up, when you can instead, strive to become a better person.”

Indeed, it’s true. I personally think marriage is a way for an individual to find a partner in life. A tag-team, to help one discover the meanings of life. To be able to have someone who uplifts one’s spirituality, and makes one a better person.

And not just because, well, everyone needs to get married!

++ Dream ++

I wonder if anyone else has ever dreamed a dream where they experience something so emotional that they cry. Then, the next thing they know, they wake up with tears in their eyes, as if they've been crying, and with their hearts throbbing with pain.

That happened to me this morning. My dream led me to shed tears while asleep. That feeling when I opened my eyes is very strange. It was more than sadness; it was emptiness and sorrow..

That has been bugging me the whole day. The pain somehow carries on, and I cannot let it go. I didn't feel positive and frankly, I hate it.

Oh well, hopefully a good night sleep will help lighten this easiness. Tomorrow will be a good dday, sweet dreams...

++ Addiction ++

Addicted to coffee and bread, that’s what I am. You could see me munching on plain wholemeal bread and downing a double-shot latte for breakfast, and snacking on pumpkin-seed rolls and another cuppa throughout the day.



So I knew troubles were awaiting when I stumbled upon an article on blood type-based diet. The idea of such diet is that our genetic inheritance, in this case blood type, dictates what food will be beneficial, neutral, and harmful for our health. I was gobsmacked when I discovered that based on my blood type, I need to avoid meat, dairy, wheat, sugar and caffeine. I should also feed myself with more tofu and pineapple, relax by practicing yoga and tai chi, as well as sleep for 8 hours or more (not a chance!). Meat, dairy, and sugar, I can do without. After all, I can always have oat/soy milk instead of pasteurised homogenised cow milk, honey/rice syrup/agave nectar instead of evil refined sugar, and seafood instead of meat. But wheat, and coffee? I am definitely not a fan of wheat-free bread such as corn bread, pumpkin bread, rice bread or oat bread. I also am a staunch disbeliever to coffee alternatives such as dandy or carob. Simply no. I am not that much of a hippy, thank you very much.



That being said, I decided to give the diet a go. And it was pure disaster. Monday morning has never been as unbearable as it was. Waking up at 5am to get to work at 7am used to be a breeze for me, thanks to a cup of extra strong coffee. But not anymore. I struggled to remain awake in the morning, and when the day progressed, I had a major migraine attack. On top of that, my body craved for bread. A mug of chamomile tea sweetened with rice syrup and a bowl of porridge could not give me the much needed mental relief. The full-blowing air conditioner, which made me feel as if I was holidaying in Antarctica, did not help either.



The withdrawal symptoms worsened when the evening came. It was the worst migraine I had ever experienced in my life, I felt like my head was hammered repeatedly. It came to a point where my mum just handed me a cup of coffee, and say, “just drink it.” Knowing the stubborn me, I refused to take a sip and went on my feeling sorry for myself-for-not-being-able-to-drink-coffee. Anyway, I managed to sleep it off ‘til the next day. Tuesday was slightly better, the headache stayed but it was not as overwhelming as experienced in the previous day. I was sleepy, yes. I got emotionally when I saw others holding their cuppas, yes (okay, that was an exaggeration). But nothing I could not handle. I actually discovered a good coffee replacement – hot cocoa with honey. Divine. I think now the withdrawal symptoms have worn off and I managed to wake up early without feeling I needed to reach out to my coffee machine before even having my breakfast.



Okay I am rambling now, and my notes is on the brink of becoming pointless (maybe it is, and I am just in denial at the moment). The whole experience made me understand a little bit how bad withdrawal symptoms can be. I mean, it was only caffeine and I had it very bad. I cannot even imagine what torture that people who are addicted to drugs experience. It’s easy for us to call people junkies or druggies, and how they are parasites to the community. Sure, there are some negative people out there, but imagine someone who experiences a rough life and out of one or two stupid mistakes, they become addicted to drugs. Their whole life is turned upside down. The claws of drugs addiction cling to them, which inflict pain whenever they struggle to let go. Yes, ideally they should be ‘strong’ and ‘committed’ to rehabilition. But then again, when you experience unimaginable pain, a quick fix is much preferrable. Falling deeper and deeper into addiction. I heard that some people could not even withstand water, and they felt stabbing pains, and other type of tortures I cannot even imagine. Perhaps if I were on their shoes, doing one or two silly mistakes and being addicted that is, I would probably never have the strength in me to resist the pain, and just let myself be.



I’m not writing to justify addiction of people who engage themselves in taking drugs. I merely feel that I experience a fraction of pain and torture that they experience when they are in withdrawal symptoms. Now that I think about it, perhaps the greatest challenge of getting out of drugs is not letting go of the ecstatic feeling while on high, but rather fighting and enduring the overwhelming pain whilst in withdrawal. Sadly, a good number of people look down on those people, and will try hard to maintain distance with them. I can say that almost always, I’ll avoid them as well, which provides no solution as it makes them even feel more rejected and ‘enslaved’ by addiction. They too are people, and like the rest of us, many of them experience hardship and would like a helping hand. I personally don’t know how to go on about it, and all I can do is just talk the talk at this stage. But that is definitely one area I should consider more. Whatever happens in the future, only He knows.



Enough of my preaching. Yes, I am aware of the awkward transition of themes, from diet to coffee to drugs, so no need to slap that on my face. I am merely writing what is currently going on the ‘lil peanut brain of mine. I am off to get my fix of honey green tea. Peace out.